EMPTINESS

Elvin,... as usual, I am wanting to talk to you, share with you, ... to-night Liz's hurts. There is no one else it is fair to share these with.

I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.

I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.

I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.

I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!

Better Day

It is amazing to me how little it takes to put me down, but also, how little it takes to lift me up.

I had a few things to do to-day so started the day with 2 Tylenol Arthritis as insurance against hip pain. We went to breakfast at Tammy's and as we were leaving, Patti our waitress gave me a hug and a kiss and wished me well on Wednesday, ... unexpected, but Oh so welcome and uplifting.

I watered Peggy's plants and then went to her neighbour Joy, a retired nurse to arrange for her to take over for me with the plant watering. We chatted and she too was very reassuring, ... we talked about the bad day yesterday and my concern as to which problem was causing the down feeling. She said both, and that it was best to listen to the body and when it says "Stop", ... then stop, rest, and tackle the chore again when you feel better. I left her place feeling good, and positive.

The Tylenol allowed me to get the things done that I wanted to with no pain and when I got home I was even able to rearrange a couple of things in the bedroom with Elvin's help, but we knew when to quit.

Called my friend Merilyn to arrange a few things for Millie and the stray, and as is her way, she has organized that our 12 breakfast friends will all be praying for me at 9 Wednesday morning, ... she says I am loved, and I know I am. We are a group who loves to be together, and our love for each other is only growing as we understand and care about the problems of this time of life.

I e-mailed June, one of this group, about an upcoming dinner in support of our local Health Care and she replied that she would be in church on Wednesday morning at 9 to light a candle for me, ... again, ... how fortunate I am.

If ever I have felt uplifted, it has been to-day, ... I have been given a wonderful insight into the power of love from my friends. My mandate is to do the same for others. I am blessed.

I will use all the good things to make a list in my mind when the bad times try to take over.