THE SIGN

The intensity of my missing Elvin is lessening. It has been that I was unable to bring him to mind without reliving again, the 2 week hospital stay prior to his death, instantly and completely. Thinking about him and missing him still brings instant tears, but for not as long and not as thoroughly draining.

Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.

This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.

I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.

And the Journey Continues

When 2010 departed, I thought my journey had come to an end. I was feeling good and better every day. I was exercising consistently and earnestly, determined to be able to walk like a 30 year-old rather than like a lop-sided old woman. I exercised so whole-heartedly that I thought I had pulled a muscle up under my rib-cage and took a day or 2 off hoping that the muscle pull would ease off. However, on Thursday it was beginning to feel like pleurisy and so I took myself to the UCC only to find out after an X-ray and blood work that I have "something" going on with my gall bladder, ... Joy to the World, will it never end.

On Monday I have an ultra-sound, on Tuesday I see my "Family Doctor". I am grateful that the something that is going on didn't really take off over the weekend. and I hope it just sits still for another day.

Last year was a year of healing one thing after another, ... and it looks as though that is the program for awhile yet. I try to find the words to explain what life is like now, ... I guess I would say it is just a time of waiting, waiting to be whole again. To be whole physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I am waiting and watching as life just goes by, ... no purpose to life other than to heal. When and if that happens, ... what then? I am not a patient person, I want change NOW!

Evenings are the very worst. I am not a fan of TV, ... anything I enjoy is over by 8 or 9 and there is really not that much I enjoy. It is all so nothing, unrelated to my life. Mornings are wonderful, ... this house is a warm and peaceful and beautiful place to be. The yard brings me a feeling of joy and peace, but, I am alone and generally am thinking of and working at making this hip fully functional. Is it worth it at this age when something else is bound to come along and have to be lived through, not enjoyed.

I sooooo miss Elvin and the laughing with him and enjoying so much. Days go by with no laughter and I need that. I need to make someone smile and I need to appreciate another person. I also need therapy, ... I am sitting here with tears running down my face, ... I cannot bring Elvin to mind without crying, I can't talk about him without the same reaction.

Getting through the struggle of the past year and the sameness of each day is not living it is enduring. This is not the time of life to wade through each day, but that is all there is. I can see how this would prepare a younger person for hardships ahead, but what is the point at my age, .. there isn't that much time left.

While you have a family, enjoy every minute. Be good to each other, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, life is short and goes by so very fast. Tell the person you are with that you love them, smile a lot, hug each other, hug your kids, make love a big item in your life, make someone's live worth living. My happiest time was making someone's life a delight, a happy surprise. Giving each of the kids a "Special Day" where we all wrote a note telling them what we liked best about them, and then read them at the table was a great idea. It was a fun time for everyone in the family. That was the very best time of life. Make someone's spirit grow while you have someone.

Elvin is Gone

Every night is the same.

All I do is go over every minute from the time Elvin and I were in the garden on that Monday, until he died 15 days later.

It should never have happened, I am convinced. The 2 days in Emergency in Niagara Falls, were the beginning of the end. After he finally was transferred to ICU on Thursday morning at 3, ... he was unable to communicate, was unable to breathe without a mask and finally a ventilator.

I watched everyday as he slipped further and further away. He had morphine for pain, ... but did anyone know where the pain was. He was sedated so that he would not struggle, ... but why was he struggling. He was given massive doses of antibiotics that did not work and were started too late. I am not supposed to be angry, ... but I am.

I lost my rock, ... my leveler, ... the man who was a joy to live with every single day, ... we could laugh together, ... I could make him laugh,... life was good and happy. I was so fortunate to have been able to be with him for the 7 years we did have.

The Premier, the Minister of Health, Juanita Gledhill, Debbie Sevenpifer, ... these are the ones responsible for the conditions in our shrinking hospitals that make tragedies like my husband's death possible.

This is not over, ... the mess these people have left the Niagara Peninsula's health care in has to be made right. They have to listen to the doctors and nurses who are fighting for what they know has been taken away and must be returned.

While I still hoped Elvin could fight his way through those horrible 2 weeks, I could sleep. It was an emotionally exhausted sleep, but it was sleep. Anger isn't allowing sleep, ... anger is destructive, ... I know I have to let go of anger, ... in the daytime that is possible, ... there are things to do. When I lie down at night all I can do is think, and wish for that wonderful warm hand to hold mine again.

I go to bed trying to make sense of all this, and I wake up doing the same.

Crash

Things can change, ... suddenly. To-day is a different day. Up until to-day, I have been strong, ... I have been strong and thought I would be strong all through this, but to-day I have had a small crash.

Elvin woke this morning with what he called, not feeling well. At 8:10 I took his blood pressure which was way too high, .... he stayed in the lazy-boy, and I took his pressure periodically until half an hour later it was acceptable. However, since the heart attack and since yesterday when he could not complete 6 circles of the walking track at the arena as he has been able to do for awhile, and had to sit down twice, I thought it would be best to have him checked out at the Emergency.

I left him to get a coffee, and go home and take my medication, and call 3 of my children and a few friends, and lost it. I was counting on staying strong, for me and for everyone.

I returned to the hospital to give him his cell phone and a book and suddenly began to not feel well myself, so I am home and will put my feet up, ... but I have weakness in my arms and shoulders, and I know this is not good. I it is not good because I will be having surgery and at that time, I will need a strong heart and good blood pressure, ... and inner strength.

We are both stressed about the other, both concerned about the other, likely bringing on stress symptoms. Elvin knowing that we have 4 trips to Hamilton in the next 2 weeks, the final one for the surgery, certainly is a concern to him. His wife died of cancer, .... a girl friend died of cancer, and now what can he possibly think, ... we don't want to lose each other. I am still optimistic, but surprised and disappointed with myself to see how close to the edge I am.

My daughter-in-law will be with me for the surgery, and Elvin if he is OK, and I have friends who I know are there for me.

Elvin will be able to come home about 6:00 pm if all continues to go well, ... and I am confident it will, his vital signs are good, and another blood test isn't due for another 3 hours.

Just now, I really need to go and lie down myself, ... I know this spot of weakness will pass. This is another speed bump in the journey.