THE SIGN

The intensity of my missing Elvin is lessening. It has been that I was unable to bring him to mind without reliving again, the 2 week hospital stay prior to his death, instantly and completely. Thinking about him and missing him still brings instant tears, but for not as long and not as thoroughly draining.

Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.

This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.

I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.

Missing You

Elvin, .. I miss you. Things happen every day that I go to share with you and you aren't here.

I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.

My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.

Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.

Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.

The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.

David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.

I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.

Testing

Testing my thinking here. It is very easy to start feeling sorry for myself. I want to write to see how I feel. To see if I am just feeling sorry for myself or if there is light ahead.

I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.

TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.

I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.

So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...

Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.

It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.

I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...

I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.

So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.