I Surprise Myself

This Journey is enlightening. I get insights into myself.

About 3 weeks ago, I looked up "Carcinoid Tumor" on the computer as this is what is living, attached to my upper bowel, inside of me. I was able to read about enough to tell me that it wasn't good, but wasn't bad either. I could not read, causes, symptoms, treatment, or anything else, ... I simply could not. This evening, I took another run at it with no shaky stomach, no fears. I was able to read that I may live 5 years, that there will be no chemo, and many interesting facts about this tumor. How on earth can I calmly think of what I read as "interesting facts", but they were.

While I was in High School, I was anxiously waiting until I could take Biology and Zoology. I wanted to be a veterinarian. Because I changed schools, I missed both of these courses, ... I know I would have passed both with flying colours. When a medical situation arises in my life, I want to know all the facts involved, ... I likely have too many questions for my doctor. I actually wish I could watch the surgery that will take place on the 9th of March. I am not afraid of what is ahead, and I will be even less likely to be afraid, the more I know about this tumor. What I read to-day I find fascinating. Many of these tumors in people are only found after they die, during an autopsy, ... they are very common.

I have 2 weeks to go and my biggest concern is that I don't catch a cold and have to have this surgery postponed.

Date for Surgery

This my second attempt at this post, ... the first just didn't work, and this one will not be the same, ... my first attempt is usually the easiest.

The surgeon called to-day with the date for surgery, ... it will be March 9th or 10th, ... he is calling again on Monday with more details. This will also give me time to have a few questions ready that have come to mind since his call. One will be, what type of surgery will this be, ... open or laparoscopic, ... I would prefer the latter. Another question is how long should the recovery time be, ... the stay in the hospital.

The surgery will include a liver biopsy, and the removal of a section of upper bowel to which the carcinoid tumor is attached. My dearest wish is that this tumor is benign and that the liver biopsy shows no invasion of this tumor into the liver, if the tumor is cancerous. How does one stay calm with these thoughts trying to push to the forefront of my mind throughout the day.

The one thought that I have never given voice to, but that niggles at the back of my brain and heart is will I survive the surgery. It will not be like having a sliver removed and I am not a young woman. I do consider myself basically healthy, ... no diabetes, no high blood pressure, but I do have a small heart problem, and I do have sleep apnea.

This will be a longer journey than I ever anticipated. However, ... I have loving, caring supportive friends and family, and for that I am supremely grateful.