About 2 hours ago, 6:30 pm, the power went out. No air-conditioning, no TV, no computer. I wondered how widespread this was and how long it would last. It has been very hot and humid and lots of air-conditioners have been working their buns off. I wondered what I would do with myself for the rest of the evening.
I began to think about my grandparents and about hot evenings on their front porch. My grand-mother would be sitting and rocking and fanning herself, with what I don't remember, and my grand-father would be sitting on the porch steps watering the small patch of grass that was the front lawn with hose in hand. The front steps of the house led directly onto the sidewalk making it so easy to be neighbourly.
As I am picturing this, 2 faces came to mind, ... people who regularly passed the house during the day or the evening. One was "Crazy Charlie" who wasn't crazy at all, just simple, and always happy. He always spoke politely to my grand-parents, ... "Hello Mr. Farr, ... Hello Mrs Farr." He stopped to talk and they were always gentle with him as well. If he stayed too long my grandpa could nicely tell him to carry on. The second is just a face, I don't think I ever knew her name. A woman with dark eyebrows, dark hair and a consistently sober face. She would chat a bit too.
As I waited for the lights to come back on, ... the TV and the computer, I wondered about the difference these toys have made in our lives. I am more insulated, less friendly and I remember that as a little girl, I enjoyed those evenings, even though it was warm. My grandma would send someone to the corner store, with a bowl to be filled up with scoops of ice cream, ... or we would have a "mellow roll" ice cream cone, or a glass of real lemonade, ... made by my grandma, and none I have ever tasted was as good as hers.
There were always lots of lightening bugs to watch when the sun had disappeared, "heat lightning", a thunder storm "coming back around" as my grandma would say.
I rarely look back in time, I just don't usually enjoy doing so, but those times were so easy, calm, pleasant.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
THE SIGN
The intensity of my missing Elvin is lessening. It has been that I was unable to bring him to mind without reliving again, the 2 week hospital stay prior to his death, instantly and completely. Thinking about him and missing him still brings instant tears, but for not as long and not as thoroughly draining.
Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.
This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.
I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.
Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.
This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.
I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
And the Journey Continues
When 2010 departed, I thought my journey had come to an end. I was feeling good and better every day. I was exercising consistently and earnestly, determined to be able to walk like a 30 year-old rather than like a lop-sided old woman. I exercised so whole-heartedly that I thought I had pulled a muscle up under my rib-cage and took a day or 2 off hoping that the muscle pull would ease off. However, on Thursday it was beginning to feel like pleurisy and so I took myself to the UCC only to find out after an X-ray and blood work that I have "something" going on with my gall bladder, ... Joy to the World, will it never end.
On Monday I have an ultra-sound, on Tuesday I see my "Family Doctor". I am grateful that the something that is going on didn't really take off over the weekend. and I hope it just sits still for another day.
Last year was a year of healing one thing after another, ... and it looks as though that is the program for awhile yet. I try to find the words to explain what life is like now, ... I guess I would say it is just a time of waiting, waiting to be whole again. To be whole physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I am waiting and watching as life just goes by, ... no purpose to life other than to heal. When and if that happens, ... what then? I am not a patient person, I want change NOW!
Evenings are the very worst. I am not a fan of TV, ... anything I enjoy is over by 8 or 9 and there is really not that much I enjoy. It is all so nothing, unrelated to my life. Mornings are wonderful, ... this house is a warm and peaceful and beautiful place to be. The yard brings me a feeling of joy and peace, but, I am alone and generally am thinking of and working at making this hip fully functional. Is it worth it at this age when something else is bound to come along and have to be lived through, not enjoyed.
I sooooo miss Elvin and the laughing with him and enjoying so much. Days go by with no laughter and I need that. I need to make someone smile and I need to appreciate another person. I also need therapy, ... I am sitting here with tears running down my face, ... I cannot bring Elvin to mind without crying, I can't talk about him without the same reaction.
Getting through the struggle of the past year and the sameness of each day is not living it is enduring. This is not the time of life to wade through each day, but that is all there is. I can see how this would prepare a younger person for hardships ahead, but what is the point at my age, .. there isn't that much time left.
While you have a family, enjoy every minute. Be good to each other, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, life is short and goes by so very fast. Tell the person you are with that you love them, smile a lot, hug each other, hug your kids, make love a big item in your life, make someone's live worth living. My happiest time was making someone's life a delight, a happy surprise. Giving each of the kids a "Special Day" where we all wrote a note telling them what we liked best about them, and then read them at the table was a great idea. It was a fun time for everyone in the family. That was the very best time of life. Make someone's spirit grow while you have someone.
On Monday I have an ultra-sound, on Tuesday I see my "Family Doctor". I am grateful that the something that is going on didn't really take off over the weekend. and I hope it just sits still for another day.
Last year was a year of healing one thing after another, ... and it looks as though that is the program for awhile yet. I try to find the words to explain what life is like now, ... I guess I would say it is just a time of waiting, waiting to be whole again. To be whole physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I am waiting and watching as life just goes by, ... no purpose to life other than to heal. When and if that happens, ... what then? I am not a patient person, I want change NOW!
Evenings are the very worst. I am not a fan of TV, ... anything I enjoy is over by 8 or 9 and there is really not that much I enjoy. It is all so nothing, unrelated to my life. Mornings are wonderful, ... this house is a warm and peaceful and beautiful place to be. The yard brings me a feeling of joy and peace, but, I am alone and generally am thinking of and working at making this hip fully functional. Is it worth it at this age when something else is bound to come along and have to be lived through, not enjoyed.
I sooooo miss Elvin and the laughing with him and enjoying so much. Days go by with no laughter and I need that. I need to make someone smile and I need to appreciate another person. I also need therapy, ... I am sitting here with tears running down my face, ... I cannot bring Elvin to mind without crying, I can't talk about him without the same reaction.
Getting through the struggle of the past year and the sameness of each day is not living it is enduring. This is not the time of life to wade through each day, but that is all there is. I can see how this would prepare a younger person for hardships ahead, but what is the point at my age, .. there isn't that much time left.
While you have a family, enjoy every minute. Be good to each other, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, life is short and goes by so very fast. Tell the person you are with that you love them, smile a lot, hug each other, hug your kids, make love a big item in your life, make someone's live worth living. My happiest time was making someone's life a delight, a happy surprise. Giving each of the kids a "Special Day" where we all wrote a note telling them what we liked best about them, and then read them at the table was a great idea. It was a fun time for everyone in the family. That was the very best time of life. Make someone's spirit grow while you have someone.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
CHRISTMAS DAY 2010
Right Hip surgery is 4 weeks in the past and all is well. I am progressing on schedule and feeling more stable of mind each day, not as many highs and lows, but too much time to think. I will be so very happy when I am allowed to drive again. My social life is in the hands of whomever has time to help out. This has been an unwelcome view of what is in the future and so the following.
What has been neglected by me, to prepare myself for this awful loneliness? I know now that I neglected to give my children as sense of responsibility to those less fortunate. Some have that innate sense, but it is something that could have been fostered with trips to visit elderly relatives, not a great joy for kids, but in it would be a realization that their presence can bring joy to someone else: a shopping trip to buy Christmas gifts for those who have no hope of one.
Our world has become so angry and selfish. All this we realize too late. I am lonely to-day, ... it has been grey for days and that doesn't help. If I were able to drive I would be at Breck'n'Ridge for breakfast, except I just realized they aren't open to-day, but on lonely days I would be there just to see the people who smile at you, and to hear friendly voices.
I know who I am, and I am not someone who is a leader or an innovator, or a person who has ever wished to be, but if I were, I would see that that house that the 10 of us have laughingly talked about is built. The one where we all live together and look after each other and have nice airy rooms, share ironing, cooking, cleaning, gardening. Where there is always someone to talk to if you want to talk, and a quiet place to get away to when you don't. If I had been the type of person who made things happen all my life, I know I could do this, it is needed more than the homes where people are tied in their wheel chairs and left in a corner for the day. This is the type of home that encourages people to live, would keep their mind and hopes active. It is so important to let your children know that they are capable of anything, .. don't foster their fears.
See where your mind goes when you are alone and lonely, ... too far into the future. I guess it's called planning.
What has been neglected by me, to prepare myself for this awful loneliness? I know now that I neglected to give my children as sense of responsibility to those less fortunate. Some have that innate sense, but it is something that could have been fostered with trips to visit elderly relatives, not a great joy for kids, but in it would be a realization that their presence can bring joy to someone else: a shopping trip to buy Christmas gifts for those who have no hope of one.
Our world has become so angry and selfish. All this we realize too late. I am lonely to-day, ... it has been grey for days and that doesn't help. If I were able to drive I would be at Breck'n'Ridge for breakfast, except I just realized they aren't open to-day, but on lonely days I would be there just to see the people who smile at you, and to hear friendly voices.
I know who I am, and I am not someone who is a leader or an innovator, or a person who has ever wished to be, but if I were, I would see that that house that the 10 of us have laughingly talked about is built. The one where we all live together and look after each other and have nice airy rooms, share ironing, cooking, cleaning, gardening. Where there is always someone to talk to if you want to talk, and a quiet place to get away to when you don't. If I had been the type of person who made things happen all my life, I know I could do this, it is needed more than the homes where people are tied in their wheel chairs and left in a corner for the day. This is the type of home that encourages people to live, would keep their mind and hopes active. It is so important to let your children know that they are capable of anything, .. don't foster their fears.
See where your mind goes when you are alone and lonely, ... too far into the future. I guess it's called planning.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
EMPTINESS
Elvin,... as usual, I am wanting to talk to you, share with you, ... to-night Liz's hurts. There is no one else it is fair to share these with.
I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.
I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.
I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.
I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!
I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.
I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.
I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.
I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Missing You
Elvin, .. I miss you. Things happen every day that I go to share with you and you aren't here.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Testing
Testing my thinking here. It is very easy to start feeling sorry for myself. I want to write to see how I feel. To see if I am just feeling sorry for myself or if there is light ahead.
I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.
TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.
I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.
So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...
Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.
It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.
I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...
I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.
So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.
I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.
TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.
I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.
So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...
Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.
It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.
I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...
I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.
So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.
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