THE FRONT PORCH

About 2 hours ago, 6:30 pm, the power went out. No air-conditioning, no TV, no computer. I wondered how widespread this was and how long it would last. It has been very hot and humid and lots of air-conditioners have been working their buns off. I wondered what I would do with myself for the rest of the evening.

I began to think about my grandparents and about hot evenings on their front porch. My grand-mother would be sitting and rocking and fanning herself, with what I don't remember, and my grand-father would be sitting on the porch steps watering the small patch of grass that was the front lawn with hose in hand. The front steps of the house led directly onto the sidewalk making it so easy to be neighbourly.

As I am picturing this, 2 faces came to mind, ... people who regularly passed the house during the day or the evening. One was "Crazy Charlie" who wasn't crazy at all, just simple, and always happy. He always spoke politely to my grand-parents, ... "Hello Mr. Farr, ... Hello Mrs Farr." He stopped to talk and they were always gentle with him as well. If he stayed too long my grandpa could nicely tell him to carry on. The second is just a face, I don't think I ever knew her name. A woman with dark eyebrows, dark hair and a consistently sober face. She would chat a bit too.

As I waited for the lights to come back on, ... the TV and the computer, I wondered about the difference these toys have made in our lives. I am more insulated, less friendly and I remember that as a little girl, I enjoyed those evenings, even though it was warm. My grandma would send someone to the corner store, with a bowl to be filled up with scoops of ice cream, ... or we would have a "mellow roll" ice cream cone, or a glass of real lemonade, ... made by my grandma, and none I have ever tasted was as good as hers.

There were always lots of lightening bugs to watch when the sun had disappeared, "heat lightning", a thunder storm "coming back around" as my grandma would say.

I rarely look back in time, I just don't usually enjoy doing so, but those times were so easy, calm, pleasant.

THE SIGN

The intensity of my missing Elvin is lessening. It has been that I was unable to bring him to mind without reliving again, the 2 week hospital stay prior to his death, instantly and completely. Thinking about him and missing him still brings instant tears, but for not as long and not as thoroughly draining.

Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.

This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.

I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.

And the Journey Continues

When 2010 departed, I thought my journey had come to an end. I was feeling good and better every day. I was exercising consistently and earnestly, determined to be able to walk like a 30 year-old rather than like a lop-sided old woman. I exercised so whole-heartedly that I thought I had pulled a muscle up under my rib-cage and took a day or 2 off hoping that the muscle pull would ease off. However, on Thursday it was beginning to feel like pleurisy and so I took myself to the UCC only to find out after an X-ray and blood work that I have "something" going on with my gall bladder, ... Joy to the World, will it never end.

On Monday I have an ultra-sound, on Tuesday I see my "Family Doctor". I am grateful that the something that is going on didn't really take off over the weekend. and I hope it just sits still for another day.

Last year was a year of healing one thing after another, ... and it looks as though that is the program for awhile yet. I try to find the words to explain what life is like now, ... I guess I would say it is just a time of waiting, waiting to be whole again. To be whole physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I am waiting and watching as life just goes by, ... no purpose to life other than to heal. When and if that happens, ... what then? I am not a patient person, I want change NOW!

Evenings are the very worst. I am not a fan of TV, ... anything I enjoy is over by 8 or 9 and there is really not that much I enjoy. It is all so nothing, unrelated to my life. Mornings are wonderful, ... this house is a warm and peaceful and beautiful place to be. The yard brings me a feeling of joy and peace, but, I am alone and generally am thinking of and working at making this hip fully functional. Is it worth it at this age when something else is bound to come along and have to be lived through, not enjoyed.

I sooooo miss Elvin and the laughing with him and enjoying so much. Days go by with no laughter and I need that. I need to make someone smile and I need to appreciate another person. I also need therapy, ... I am sitting here with tears running down my face, ... I cannot bring Elvin to mind without crying, I can't talk about him without the same reaction.

Getting through the struggle of the past year and the sameness of each day is not living it is enduring. This is not the time of life to wade through each day, but that is all there is. I can see how this would prepare a younger person for hardships ahead, but what is the point at my age, .. there isn't that much time left.

While you have a family, enjoy every minute. Be good to each other, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, life is short and goes by so very fast. Tell the person you are with that you love them, smile a lot, hug each other, hug your kids, make love a big item in your life, make someone's live worth living. My happiest time was making someone's life a delight, a happy surprise. Giving each of the kids a "Special Day" where we all wrote a note telling them what we liked best about them, and then read them at the table was a great idea. It was a fun time for everyone in the family. That was the very best time of life. Make someone's spirit grow while you have someone.

CHRISTMAS DAY 2010

Right Hip surgery is 4 weeks in the past and all is well. I am progressing on schedule and feeling more stable of mind each day, not as many highs and lows, but too much time to think. I will be so very happy when I am allowed to drive again. My social life is in the hands of whomever has time to help out. This has been an unwelcome view of what is in the future and so the following.

What has been neglected by me, to prepare myself for this awful loneliness? I know now that I neglected to give my children as sense of responsibility to those less fortunate. Some have that innate sense, but it is something that could have been fostered with trips to visit elderly relatives, not a great joy for kids, but in it would be a realization that their presence can bring joy to someone else: a shopping trip to buy Christmas gifts for those who have no hope of one.

Our world has become so angry and selfish. All this we realize too late. I am lonely to-day, ... it has been grey for days and that doesn't help. If I were able to drive I would be at Breck'n'Ridge for breakfast, except I just realized they aren't open to-day, but on lonely days I would be there just to see the people who smile at you, and to hear friendly voices.

I know who I am, and I am not someone who is a leader or an innovator, or a person who has ever wished to be, but if I were, I would see that that house that the 10 of us have laughingly talked about is built. The one where we all live together and look after each other and have nice airy rooms, share ironing, cooking, cleaning, gardening. Where there is always someone to talk to if you want to talk, and a quiet place to get away to when you don't. If I had been the type of person who made things happen all my life, I know I could do this, it is needed more than the homes where people are tied in their wheel chairs and left in a corner for the day. This is the type of home that encourages people to live, would keep their mind and hopes active. It is so important to let your children know that they are capable of anything, .. don't foster their fears.

See where your mind goes when you are alone and lonely, ... too far into the future. I guess it's called planning.

EMPTINESS

Elvin,... as usual, I am wanting to talk to you, share with you, ... to-night Liz's hurts. There is no one else it is fair to share these with.

I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.

I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.

I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.

I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!

Missing You

Elvin, .. I miss you. Things happen every day that I go to share with you and you aren't here.

I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.

My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.

Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.

Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.

The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.

David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.

I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.

Testing

Testing my thinking here. It is very easy to start feeling sorry for myself. I want to write to see how I feel. To see if I am just feeling sorry for myself or if there is light ahead.

I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.

TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.

I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.

So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...

Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.

It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.

I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...

I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.

So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.

Elvin is Gone

Every night is the same.

All I do is go over every minute from the time Elvin and I were in the garden on that Monday, until he died 15 days later.

It should never have happened, I am convinced. The 2 days in Emergency in Niagara Falls, were the beginning of the end. After he finally was transferred to ICU on Thursday morning at 3, ... he was unable to communicate, was unable to breathe without a mask and finally a ventilator.

I watched everyday as he slipped further and further away. He had morphine for pain, ... but did anyone know where the pain was. He was sedated so that he would not struggle, ... but why was he struggling. He was given massive doses of antibiotics that did not work and were started too late. I am not supposed to be angry, ... but I am.

I lost my rock, ... my leveler, ... the man who was a joy to live with every single day, ... we could laugh together, ... I could make him laugh,... life was good and happy. I was so fortunate to have been able to be with him for the 7 years we did have.

The Premier, the Minister of Health, Juanita Gledhill, Debbie Sevenpifer, ... these are the ones responsible for the conditions in our shrinking hospitals that make tragedies like my husband's death possible.

This is not over, ... the mess these people have left the Niagara Peninsula's health care in has to be made right. They have to listen to the doctors and nurses who are fighting for what they know has been taken away and must be returned.

While I still hoped Elvin could fight his way through those horrible 2 weeks, I could sleep. It was an emotionally exhausted sleep, but it was sleep. Anger isn't allowing sleep, ... anger is destructive, ... I know I have to let go of anger, ... in the daytime that is possible, ... there are things to do. When I lie down at night all I can do is think, and wish for that wonderful warm hand to hold mine again.

I go to bed trying to make sense of all this, and I wake up doing the same.

We Wait

We did not make it to Hamilton. Elvin is too sick to be transported. He has a lung infection.

I am home and emotionally exhausted. When we went to his room in ICU, ...he was moved there as of this morning at 3 AM, we were told he had had a bad night. There was a cool, wet,white wash cloth on his forehead as he has a high fever, and an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and his breathing was laboured. It remained laboured all day with his heart rate bouncing from 103 to 120. I stood and willed those numbers to change and prayed for God's intervention, ... and they remained the same. I could not stop the tears.

This is a strong man, ... strong of heart and strong of character. It is wrong to see him this way, ... I want to breath for him,... to give his heart a rest

His 4 sons were there to-day, ... they each were shocked, and devastated to see their father so vulnerable. There were tears. He told them each he loved them and to them this meant he was saying good-bye. I don't feel this way yet as at one point he asked me, "How long will I be here?" These are the words of someone still fighting.

Antibiotics were ordered from the hospital pharmacy at 10:30 AM, ... they arrived 3 hours later. That is too long a wait for a very ill 77 year old man with fluid on his lungs and severe coronary artery problems, ... but the NHS and the LHIN will not hear this. BUT, ... they are going to hear it!!!!! Somehow they have to stop pouring our money into a Mega Hospital and take care of the people left behind. This is one concern of my husband's doctor in the hospital, that so much money will be spent on the new St. Catharines P3 hospital that there will be none left to fund the 3 remaining ones that are just limping along now.

There is so much more to say, but this has been another very hard day and I am very tired once again.

Elvin's second son called me on his way home to Stouffville at 7:30 after visiting his Dad once more to-day, ... he had a very hard time talking through tears, ... he has very bad feelings about his Dad's survival. I did my best to reassure him and will call him tomorrow. I hope I have very good news.

Poorest Health Care in the Province

The journey is not for the faint of heart. Not the journey with Cancer, but the journey into old age, ... especially considering the state of health care in the province of Ontario...

Elvin is in hospital, ... Niagara Falls Hospital again, ... the place I dread the most and again, he is on a gurney in the Emergency. He is waiting to go to Hamilton for an angiogram following an episode of rising blood pressure, rising heart rate, and chest pain. He has been there since yesterday evening, ... very very tired and obviously unwell. He was seen by an internist at 4:30 this afternoon, a student had seen him earlier to do the preliminary questioning.

The Yellow Shirt Brigade, made up mostly of Seniors, has drawn attention to the poor health care in the Niagara Peninsula particularly, over the past 2 years. To-day we were again at Queens' Park drawing attention to our plight, ... I was to go, but would not leave Elvin at the mercy of inadequate nursing care. I will explain.

1. When we arrived at the former Emergency in Fort Erie, ... Douglas Memorial Hospital. he was triaged by a very kind and gentle nurse who would by the end of the day finish a 24 hour shift. Would you feel comfortable having her give you your medication, ... start and IV, ... I feel sorry for these women who are overworked to the point of it being to the detriment of patient care.

2. Elvin was fortunate to be hooked up to a monitor almost immediately 11:30 AM, however, ... a blood pressure cuff, necessary to monitor the rising blood pressure, could not be found, ... until 5 PM. And the Niagara Health System cuts our nurses, cuts our supplies and maintains that they have everything under control.

3. On arriving at the Niagara Falls hospital at 8:30 PM, he was placed on a gurney in the Emergency where he will likely stay, as he did the last time, for 3 or 4 days as there are no beds. The Niagara Health System has cut beds as they have cut nurses and services. A staff doctor asked a few questions and listened to his heart. My husband is on the maximum medications for his coronary heart disease. To-day when I went to visit, his blood pressure was rising as was his heart rate, ... when it got to 210/107 and his heart rate was 100, I went to the desk to suggest that perhaps they should come and do something.. A nurse came, and said they had not given him his medication and that is why it was so high, ... I would like to say I was dumbfounded, but rather was not surprised at all, ... this is par for the course at Greater Niagara General Hospital. They put the medicine in his IV and the pressure came down, .... some.

4. I called this evening to see if a bed had come available , and of course there wasn't one. I did learn however, that now my husband is running a fever. I am terrified.

It is now 11:15 and I should be in bed, ... however, I know I will not sleep, ...

QUESTIONS

Now, they are beginning to come, .... questions that I don't know where to go for the answers.

Through all of this, since the blockage was discovered in November, I have had a taste or smell in my mouth, or nose, that I can only describe as the taste or smell of wet newspaper. I hoped that after the surgery, this would go away, but that hasn't happened. I wonder if it is on my breath, ... if others can smell cancer in me. What is causing this, where is it coming from, will it ever go away, does it mean that the cancer is somewhere else?

One of the questions I was asked by each doctor that I saw since November was, "Are you having any flushing?", ... this is a symptom of the carcinoid tumor. My answer always was ... NO. However, recently, including this evening, I am having episodes of flushing, ... something like hot flashes, but more like warm flushes. Why am I having them now? Does this mean that the cancer is somewhere else? Will I always worry about every possible new symptom?

To-night I had a slight fever, ... does this go with cancer cells still being in my body? It could be the beginning of a cold, another bout of diverticulitis, ... but my first thought now will be, ... is the cancer growing somewhere else in my body?

My life has changed. The things I once was concerned about matter not at all compared to the place I now am. Even though following surgery, my surgeon said that all was well, ... is it really? I want to stay optimistic and I have been doing really well, ... but not to-night.

I want to feel like I did 20 years ago, ... invincible. Coming into the "Golden Years" is not fun, ... aches and pains, unsteady legs, changes in heart rhythms, medications, .... however, I would be happy with just that instead of the wondering I live with now, everyday. If there wasn't the bad taste, the flushing, unexplained fevers, ... I might be able to forget that the cells are still there and no matter how slow they are supposed to grow, they are still growing.

Maybe tomorrow will bring something good to occupy my mind, ... I must not become preoccupied with this thing, .... that only aids it in it's growth.

A FEW THINGS

The 4 walnut halves did matter. The collection went fine, 3 days later.

I also have started back strengthening exercises with my favourite Physio-therapist in preparation for the hip surgery. I was amazed at the results of one session which was simply some traction for my lower back. My stride was longer, the pain was considerably less and the results have stayed with me since that treatment. I have 2 more sessions with the same treatment next week and look forward to getting into the garden.

My neighbour Denise, has raked all my gardens, ... I have them around the perimeter of the yard and at the side and front of the house. She has transplanted, moved shrubs, and cleaned out all weeds, ... it now looks "do-able" by me. I am changing many of the perennials that need much care, to hosta, ferns and some new sod. I also am changing a flagstone deck, full of weeds to a wooden, no care deck of the same size. I have hope again. To-day I bought a beautiful peach iris, and a Jacob's Ladder. I wish I knew how to add pictures to this and I would add them here, ... The garden is the prettiest in Spring.

My visit with the surgeon for my 6 weeks check-up went well, ... however, he wants to do another CAT-scan of the liver very soon, ... I hope this brings good news. If it is not good news, I am up for removing part of the liver that appears to still have cancer. I am still in my optimistic stage of all of this. I am reading an interesting book by Elizabeth Berg called, Never Change. The story is about a visiting nurse and her patients among whom there are cancer patients. I am encouraged by what I read, even though this is fiction, ... especially about attitude and how it affects the outcome of cancer.

My attitudes so far is good, ... and I feel well, .. and plan to stay that way.

Ha Ha

The only hope we have of surviving things we wish we didn't have to deal with at all, is to be able to find humour in them.

I require another 24 hour urine collection. I had the first collection prior to surgery while I was also in the middle of a prolonged period of diarrhea. That I hope I never have to repeat, ... and did require, keeping one's sense of humour. To execute this test, means that every drop must be caught from the second time one has to go in the morning, through the night, until the first one the following morning, and not one time can be missed.

To-day being Monday, and knowing that I cannot eat bananas, pineapple, plums or eggplant for 3 or 4 days prior to this collection, I was prepared when I picked up my bright orange, 3 litre container to get right at things in the morning, ... I had even cancelled a lunch with friends to give this my full and undivided attention. I had had none of the above, ... but, .... I had forgotten walnuts. Last night, mixed in with a small palmful of mixed nuts, there were no more than 4 walnut halves, which I ate. I now have a call in to the Oncology Clinic to see if 4 walnut halves will make a difference. This is important because, the requisition for this test says "Please do Now!".

If eating the walnuts is a real NO NO, I cannot collect until this coming Thursday at the earliest, take it in to the lab on Friday and the results are needed before my first injection on Friday.

With all the indignities that may be ahead of me, ... I'm laughing, ... Ha Ha!!

Catch Up

It will be hard to catch up here, so much time has passed since my surgery which was apparently a success. My stay in the hospital was good and lasted 7 days for which I am grateful. There was no trouble with the incision or the surgery and my recovery has been just as it should be, and as I am determined to live quite awhile yet, I have rested when I needed to, and moved when I felt like it. Six weeks is the average recovery time, and that will be here in just 4 more days.

Elvin has been wonderful, ... patient, calm, and accommodating. I have had a minimum of stress and that has been a great help in recovering. For 2 weeks after coming home, we had Meals on Wheels, which turned out to be way too much food, as neither of us are eating as we once did. I have lost 20 pounds and intend that it stay lost.

This is a continuing journey still as the 2 spots of cancer in the liver, even though they were "zapped", will always be, "cancer in the liver". This will be monitored yearly and I continue to be very careful what I eat, concentrating on foods that do not stress the liver.

I have my 6 week check-up with the surgeon this coming Thursday, and I begin a monthly needle in the stomach this coming Friday as a means of retarding the growth of any stray cancer cells. This I will supposedly have to have for the rest of my live, ... if the side effects don't finish me first. I may be one of the lucky ones and have only the mildest and most common, which include abdominal discomfort, loose stools, nausea, abdominal gas, .... Wahoo, how lucky could I get. This however is only supposed to last 24 hours, ... once a month, ... for the rest of my life. Sounds as though I will be rigidly planning my activities. Don't get me wrong, ... I am very grateful that the surgeon feels he got everything and my future looks very good, and science has discovered something to retard the growth of cancer cells.

My journey with cancer, will be walking hand in hand with my journey with hip replacement which begins the 30th of this month, with a trip to Toronto for an assessment with Dr. Cameron at the Holland Arthritis Institute in Toronto. Everyone tells me this will be a great success and I will feel like a new person, ... can't wait, ... this new person will be able to walk upstairs, shop, garden, dance, ... all without pain. I hang on to this belief with tight fingers.

It will be an interesting Summer, ... tiring, uncomfortable and I will need to be able to keep as positive as I have been up to this time, ... bear with me.

Day 3 of Four

My journey, ... as it is and as it happens, ... my journey. Some days up others down and to-day I am very tired, ... exhausted.

To-day was Pre-op day. My visit with the surgeon gave me information I wanted to know, but not exactly what I wanted to hear. I asked how long the surgery would be and he told me 4 hours and I think that was the beginning of feeling tired.

I have had just a few surgeries in my life, ... the first being a tonsillectomy at age 8 when the anesthetic was ether. I can remember being terrified and feeling as though I was suffocating. While under, I had a horrifying dream of being chased down a long dark tunnel by a clown, ... there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I remember screaming and being told of course not to as it could cause bleeding in my throat.

To say I am not looking forward to surgery is ridiculous, .... who does.

I was told to-day that I would be in hospital a week, and that is a good thing, ... I was afraid of being let out too soon as is the way in most hospitals to-day. The scan I had on day 2 showed no new cancer anywhere, and that is a good thing. The scan did show however, 2 new spots on the liver. I will be having an ultra-sound on the liver as part of the surgery and depending on what information that gives my doctor, the spots will be zapped, or, I will be having more surgery later to remove part of the liver.

There has been much information to deal with since this all began, and just now, I don't want to know anything else, ... I just want it over and done. That will be Day 4, and there will be no blogging until at least a week later, ... there are more places yet to go on this journey.

Better Day

It is amazing to me how little it takes to put me down, but also, how little it takes to lift me up.

I had a few things to do to-day so started the day with 2 Tylenol Arthritis as insurance against hip pain. We went to breakfast at Tammy's and as we were leaving, Patti our waitress gave me a hug and a kiss and wished me well on Wednesday, ... unexpected, but Oh so welcome and uplifting.

I watered Peggy's plants and then went to her neighbour Joy, a retired nurse to arrange for her to take over for me with the plant watering. We chatted and she too was very reassuring, ... we talked about the bad day yesterday and my concern as to which problem was causing the down feeling. She said both, and that it was best to listen to the body and when it says "Stop", ... then stop, rest, and tackle the chore again when you feel better. I left her place feeling good, and positive.

The Tylenol allowed me to get the things done that I wanted to with no pain and when I got home I was even able to rearrange a couple of things in the bedroom with Elvin's help, but we knew when to quit.

Called my friend Merilyn to arrange a few things for Millie and the stray, and as is her way, she has organized that our 12 breakfast friends will all be praying for me at 9 Wednesday morning, ... she says I am loved, and I know I am. We are a group who loves to be together, and our love for each other is only growing as we understand and care about the problems of this time of life.

I e-mailed June, one of this group, about an upcoming dinner in support of our local Health Care and she replied that she would be in church on Wednesday morning at 9 to light a candle for me, ... again, ... how fortunate I am.

If ever I have felt uplifted, it has been to-day, ... I have been given a wonderful insight into the power of love from my friends. My mandate is to do the same for others. I am blessed.

I will use all the good things to make a list in my mind when the bad times try to take over.

Not feeling well to-day, ... or yesterday afternoon.

Until I knew of the tumor attached to the bowel, ... when I had days like this, I blamed arthritis, ... my hips and lower back would hurt so much I was nauseous. Now, ... I don't know the reason, but my down times blame it on cancer, ... cancer in the liver.

To-day I again did a load of laundry and hung it out as it has been a beautiful day, then, I cut Elvin's hair. The standing was so painful, that I had to stop, lie down and then take a second run at the hair cut. I lay on the couch and slept and rested for the rest of the day, and I have that awful wet newspaper taste in my mouth again.

It is impossible to feel "up" to-day, and negative thoughts are right there, and I know I must stay positive, .... not to-day. I begin to project into the future, how I will feel, how long I have to live, ... not pleasant.

I wonder if it is just that the surgery is now so close, ... just 3 more days.

I can't even clean the house properly, ... one room defeats me and I am down for the day. This isn't my imagination, ... I don't want to feel this way, ... I want to have energy and stamina, ... I have to count on my body and it is letting me down.

It's strange, ... there are times when I feel good, ... can get through the whole day, and lately there are more when I can't.

Tomorrow is Sunday, .. breakfast out, ... check Peggy's plants. She is in Florida. Then a short trip to Buffalo for gas and a few groceries. It is supposed to be about 50 tomorrow and I would like to push myself to walk to the corner with my walking sticks.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

Good Morning Sunshine !!

It is 9 a .m. and it is a glorious beginning to the day, ... lots of sunshine and the weatherman says it will be here for the day, ... I already have laundry on the go because I want it hung outside. This is one of my greatest sources of joy, ... laundry on the line in the sun, with a breeze.

I have a list in red ink of things that have to be done before I go into hospital and have crossed off four already, ... only five to go. I've got enough cat food in for Millie in the house, and the stray on the porch, have to pick up some fresh litter,... looked after the bills and finances. The other things include cleaning the house, ... I ususally have someone who does this every other week, but she is in Florida, ... lucky girl. I want to leave the house clean and there are phone calls to be made and I have to make sure Elvin knows where things are in the freezer, ... and there will be other things come up that I haven't thought of yet. I also want to get a "lip rip-off" before going in, ... enough said.

We will be going to the arena shortly for Elvin's walk and that will be followed by some running around to pick up this and that, ... the kitty litter being one.

Millie and my friend Mer get along wonderfully, ... Mer loves cats. Mer will drop in to play with her, feed her, and empty her box, brush her, give her treats, and toss her her toys... and if I don't clean the house she would do that too, ... I will make sure she does not even get a chance. She even would feed the birds, however, Elvin will be here most of the time, and that will not be a problem.

Inexpicably, .. I feel very light-hearted to-day, ...I'm sure the sunshine and the prospect of hanging out laundry have something to do with that. I also, as I have said before, am so very grateful for the people I know and who I know love, and care about me, and are my friends. I am truly blessed.

Wish you all could feel as great as I do to-day, ... Have a super good one !!!

Day Two of Four

Another huge step closer to surgery.

The scan, in 3 parts, included a bone scan and I imagine the rest was to every other part of my body. Having only been thinking in terms of a liver scan, at first this was a bit disconcerting, .... however, as I had time to think about it, surely it is only good that the surgeon will know ahead of time, what is happening inside of me.

My next visit to Hamilton will be on Monday and then only one more day to get through until surgery on Wednesday.

Wish I had something humourous to add to-day, or light, funny, happy, whatever, ... but I am becoming more tense as the day approaches.

Many good things happen though as I hear from friends, and am able to vent with them and accept advice and encouragement. I know that this experience will change me. Knowing how much a card, a call or an e-mail means to me during all of this, I plan to reach out more when people in my life need hope or comfort.

Day One of Four

The countdown has begun, ... only 7 more days until surgery. I am, ... Oh so many things!! Holding on tight, too tight, happy to have things under way, coming apart at the least deviation from what I think I know, anxious for it all to be over and to know all there is to know.

This was the injection day that came with it's own little deviation. I was at Henderson Cancer Hospital this morning for an 11'o'clock appointment to have the injection in preparation for tomorrow's liver scan, ... or at least that is what I thought was to be scanned, as that is where the cancer was to have metastasized to. However, as the nurse was explaining what would happen tomorrow, she told me that if the cancer had spread to other places in my body, the injection would enable these places to light up.

Wonderful!! I hadn't heard or thought of this possibility, ... I thought we had just been concerned about the liver, ... but other places? Once again, ... this sent me down some. I guess I have been trying to ignore too much and it all, whatever it is, will have to be faced in large or small doses very, very soon.

I am beginning to feel scared and sad, ... and I think I must allow myself to feel this way, ... who wouldn't. It will pass, because I know there is strength in me. I can deal with what I know, ... so let's get on to the knowing.

Tomorrow is Day Two of Four, ... the Scan. It is a 2 hour event which will help the surgeon tremendously on Day Four, ... Let's get a good night's sleep Nancy.