Right Hip surgery is 4 weeks in the past and all is well. I am progressing on schedule and feeling more stable of mind each day, not as many highs and lows, but too much time to think. I will be so very happy when I am allowed to drive again. My social life is in the hands of whomever has time to help out. This has been an unwelcome view of what is in the future and so the following.
What has been neglected by me, to prepare myself for this awful loneliness? I know now that I neglected to give my children as sense of responsibility to those less fortunate. Some have that innate sense, but it is something that could have been fostered with trips to visit elderly relatives, not a great joy for kids, but in it would be a realization that their presence can bring joy to someone else: a shopping trip to buy Christmas gifts for those who have no hope of one.
Our world has become so angry and selfish. All this we realize too late. I am lonely to-day, ... it has been grey for days and that doesn't help. If I were able to drive I would be at Breck'n'Ridge for breakfast, except I just realized they aren't open to-day, but on lonely days I would be there just to see the people who smile at you, and to hear friendly voices.
I know who I am, and I am not someone who is a leader or an innovator, or a person who has ever wished to be, but if I were, I would see that that house that the 10 of us have laughingly talked about is built. The one where we all live together and look after each other and have nice airy rooms, share ironing, cooking, cleaning, gardening. Where there is always someone to talk to if you want to talk, and a quiet place to get away to when you don't. If I had been the type of person who made things happen all my life, I know I could do this, it is needed more than the homes where people are tied in their wheel chairs and left in a corner for the day. This is the type of home that encourages people to live, would keep their mind and hopes active. It is so important to let your children know that they are capable of anything, .. don't foster their fears.
See where your mind goes when you are alone and lonely, ... too far into the future. I guess it's called planning.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
EMPTINESS
Elvin,... as usual, I am wanting to talk to you, share with you, ... to-night Liz's hurts. There is no one else it is fair to share these with.
I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.
I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.
I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.
I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!
I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.
I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.
I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.
I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Missing You
Elvin, .. I miss you. Things happen every day that I go to share with you and you aren't here.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Testing
Testing my thinking here. It is very easy to start feeling sorry for myself. I want to write to see how I feel. To see if I am just feeling sorry for myself or if there is light ahead.
I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.
TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.
I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.
So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...
Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.
It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.
I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...
I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.
So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.
I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.
TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.
I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.
So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...
Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.
It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.
I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...
I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.
So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Elvin is Gone
Every night is the same.
All I do is go over every minute from the time Elvin and I were in the garden on that Monday, until he died 15 days later.
It should never have happened, I am convinced. The 2 days in Emergency in Niagara Falls, were the beginning of the end. After he finally was transferred to ICU on Thursday morning at 3, ... he was unable to communicate, was unable to breathe without a mask and finally a ventilator.
I watched everyday as he slipped further and further away. He had morphine for pain, ... but did anyone know where the pain was. He was sedated so that he would not struggle, ... but why was he struggling. He was given massive doses of antibiotics that did not work and were started too late. I am not supposed to be angry, ... but I am.
I lost my rock, ... my leveler, ... the man who was a joy to live with every single day, ... we could laugh together, ... I could make him laugh,... life was good and happy. I was so fortunate to have been able to be with him for the 7 years we did have.
The Premier, the Minister of Health, Juanita Gledhill, Debbie Sevenpifer, ... these are the ones responsible for the conditions in our shrinking hospitals that make tragedies like my husband's death possible.
This is not over, ... the mess these people have left the Niagara Peninsula's health care in has to be made right. They have to listen to the doctors and nurses who are fighting for what they know has been taken away and must be returned.
While I still hoped Elvin could fight his way through those horrible 2 weeks, I could sleep. It was an emotionally exhausted sleep, but it was sleep. Anger isn't allowing sleep, ... anger is destructive, ... I know I have to let go of anger, ... in the daytime that is possible, ... there are things to do. When I lie down at night all I can do is think, and wish for that wonderful warm hand to hold mine again.
I go to bed trying to make sense of all this, and I wake up doing the same.
All I do is go over every minute from the time Elvin and I were in the garden on that Monday, until he died 15 days later.
It should never have happened, I am convinced. The 2 days in Emergency in Niagara Falls, were the beginning of the end. After he finally was transferred to ICU on Thursday morning at 3, ... he was unable to communicate, was unable to breathe without a mask and finally a ventilator.
I watched everyday as he slipped further and further away. He had morphine for pain, ... but did anyone know where the pain was. He was sedated so that he would not struggle, ... but why was he struggling. He was given massive doses of antibiotics that did not work and were started too late. I am not supposed to be angry, ... but I am.
I lost my rock, ... my leveler, ... the man who was a joy to live with every single day, ... we could laugh together, ... I could make him laugh,... life was good and happy. I was so fortunate to have been able to be with him for the 7 years we did have.
The Premier, the Minister of Health, Juanita Gledhill, Debbie Sevenpifer, ... these are the ones responsible for the conditions in our shrinking hospitals that make tragedies like my husband's death possible.
This is not over, ... the mess these people have left the Niagara Peninsula's health care in has to be made right. They have to listen to the doctors and nurses who are fighting for what they know has been taken away and must be returned.
While I still hoped Elvin could fight his way through those horrible 2 weeks, I could sleep. It was an emotionally exhausted sleep, but it was sleep. Anger isn't allowing sleep, ... anger is destructive, ... I know I have to let go of anger, ... in the daytime that is possible, ... there are things to do. When I lie down at night all I can do is think, and wish for that wonderful warm hand to hold mine again.
I go to bed trying to make sense of all this, and I wake up doing the same.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
We Wait
We did not make it to Hamilton. Elvin is too sick to be transported. He has a lung infection.
I am home and emotionally exhausted. When we went to his room in ICU, ...he was moved there as of this morning at 3 AM, we were told he had had a bad night. There was a cool, wet,white wash cloth on his forehead as he has a high fever, and an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and his breathing was laboured. It remained laboured all day with his heart rate bouncing from 103 to 120. I stood and willed those numbers to change and prayed for God's intervention, ... and they remained the same. I could not stop the tears.
This is a strong man, ... strong of heart and strong of character. It is wrong to see him this way, ... I want to breath for him,... to give his heart a rest
His 4 sons were there to-day, ... they each were shocked, and devastated to see their father so vulnerable. There were tears. He told them each he loved them and to them this meant he was saying good-bye. I don't feel this way yet as at one point he asked me, "How long will I be here?" These are the words of someone still fighting.
Antibiotics were ordered from the hospital pharmacy at 10:30 AM, ... they arrived 3 hours later. That is too long a wait for a very ill 77 year old man with fluid on his lungs and severe coronary artery problems, ... but the NHS and the LHIN will not hear this. BUT, ... they are going to hear it!!!!! Somehow they have to stop pouring our money into a Mega Hospital and take care of the people left behind. This is one concern of my husband's doctor in the hospital, that so much money will be spent on the new St. Catharines P3 hospital that there will be none left to fund the 3 remaining ones that are just limping along now.
There is so much more to say, but this has been another very hard day and I am very tired once again.
Elvin's second son called me on his way home to Stouffville at 7:30 after visiting his Dad once more to-day, ... he had a very hard time talking through tears, ... he has very bad feelings about his Dad's survival. I did my best to reassure him and will call him tomorrow. I hope I have very good news.
I am home and emotionally exhausted. When we went to his room in ICU, ...he was moved there as of this morning at 3 AM, we were told he had had a bad night. There was a cool, wet,white wash cloth on his forehead as he has a high fever, and an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and his breathing was laboured. It remained laboured all day with his heart rate bouncing from 103 to 120. I stood and willed those numbers to change and prayed for God's intervention, ... and they remained the same. I could not stop the tears.
This is a strong man, ... strong of heart and strong of character. It is wrong to see him this way, ... I want to breath for him,... to give his heart a rest
His 4 sons were there to-day, ... they each were shocked, and devastated to see their father so vulnerable. There were tears. He told them each he loved them and to them this meant he was saying good-bye. I don't feel this way yet as at one point he asked me, "How long will I be here?" These are the words of someone still fighting.
Antibiotics were ordered from the hospital pharmacy at 10:30 AM, ... they arrived 3 hours later. That is too long a wait for a very ill 77 year old man with fluid on his lungs and severe coronary artery problems, ... but the NHS and the LHIN will not hear this. BUT, ... they are going to hear it!!!!! Somehow they have to stop pouring our money into a Mega Hospital and take care of the people left behind. This is one concern of my husband's doctor in the hospital, that so much money will be spent on the new St. Catharines P3 hospital that there will be none left to fund the 3 remaining ones that are just limping along now.
There is so much more to say, but this has been another very hard day and I am very tired once again.
Elvin's second son called me on his way home to Stouffville at 7:30 after visiting his Dad once more to-day, ... he had a very hard time talking through tears, ... he has very bad feelings about his Dad's survival. I did my best to reassure him and will call him tomorrow. I hope I have very good news.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Poorest Health Care in the Province
The journey is not for the faint of heart. Not the journey with Cancer, but the journey into old age, ... especially considering the state of health care in the province of Ontario...
Elvin is in hospital, ... Niagara Falls Hospital again, ... the place I dread the most and again, he is on a gurney in the Emergency. He is waiting to go to Hamilton for an angiogram following an episode of rising blood pressure, rising heart rate, and chest pain. He has been there since yesterday evening, ... very very tired and obviously unwell. He was seen by an internist at 4:30 this afternoon, a student had seen him earlier to do the preliminary questioning.
The Yellow Shirt Brigade, made up mostly of Seniors, has drawn attention to the poor health care in the Niagara Peninsula particularly, over the past 2 years. To-day we were again at Queens' Park drawing attention to our plight, ... I was to go, but would not leave Elvin at the mercy of inadequate nursing care. I will explain.
1. When we arrived at the former Emergency in Fort Erie, ... Douglas Memorial Hospital. he was triaged by a very kind and gentle nurse who would by the end of the day finish a 24 hour shift. Would you feel comfortable having her give you your medication, ... start and IV, ... I feel sorry for these women who are overworked to the point of it being to the detriment of patient care.
2. Elvin was fortunate to be hooked up to a monitor almost immediately 11:30 AM, however, ... a blood pressure cuff, necessary to monitor the rising blood pressure, could not be found, ... until 5 PM. And the Niagara Health System cuts our nurses, cuts our supplies and maintains that they have everything under control.
3. On arriving at the Niagara Falls hospital at 8:30 PM, he was placed on a gurney in the Emergency where he will likely stay, as he did the last time, for 3 or 4 days as there are no beds. The Niagara Health System has cut beds as they have cut nurses and services. A staff doctor asked a few questions and listened to his heart. My husband is on the maximum medications for his coronary heart disease. To-day when I went to visit, his blood pressure was rising as was his heart rate, ... when it got to 210/107 and his heart rate was 100, I went to the desk to suggest that perhaps they should come and do something.. A nurse came, and said they had not given him his medication and that is why it was so high, ... I would like to say I was dumbfounded, but rather was not surprised at all, ... this is par for the course at Greater Niagara General Hospital. They put the medicine in his IV and the pressure came down, .... some.
4. I called this evening to see if a bed had come available , and of course there wasn't one. I did learn however, that now my husband is running a fever. I am terrified.
It is now 11:15 and I should be in bed, ... however, I know I will not sleep, ...
Elvin is in hospital, ... Niagara Falls Hospital again, ... the place I dread the most and again, he is on a gurney in the Emergency. He is waiting to go to Hamilton for an angiogram following an episode of rising blood pressure, rising heart rate, and chest pain. He has been there since yesterday evening, ... very very tired and obviously unwell. He was seen by an internist at 4:30 this afternoon, a student had seen him earlier to do the preliminary questioning.
The Yellow Shirt Brigade, made up mostly of Seniors, has drawn attention to the poor health care in the Niagara Peninsula particularly, over the past 2 years. To-day we were again at Queens' Park drawing attention to our plight, ... I was to go, but would not leave Elvin at the mercy of inadequate nursing care. I will explain.
1. When we arrived at the former Emergency in Fort Erie, ... Douglas Memorial Hospital. he was triaged by a very kind and gentle nurse who would by the end of the day finish a 24 hour shift. Would you feel comfortable having her give you your medication, ... start and IV, ... I feel sorry for these women who are overworked to the point of it being to the detriment of patient care.
2. Elvin was fortunate to be hooked up to a monitor almost immediately 11:30 AM, however, ... a blood pressure cuff, necessary to monitor the rising blood pressure, could not be found, ... until 5 PM. And the Niagara Health System cuts our nurses, cuts our supplies and maintains that they have everything under control.
3. On arriving at the Niagara Falls hospital at 8:30 PM, he was placed on a gurney in the Emergency where he will likely stay, as he did the last time, for 3 or 4 days as there are no beds. The Niagara Health System has cut beds as they have cut nurses and services. A staff doctor asked a few questions and listened to his heart. My husband is on the maximum medications for his coronary heart disease. To-day when I went to visit, his blood pressure was rising as was his heart rate, ... when it got to 210/107 and his heart rate was 100, I went to the desk to suggest that perhaps they should come and do something.. A nurse came, and said they had not given him his medication and that is why it was so high, ... I would like to say I was dumbfounded, but rather was not surprised at all, ... this is par for the course at Greater Niagara General Hospital. They put the medicine in his IV and the pressure came down, .... some.
4. I called this evening to see if a bed had come available , and of course there wasn't one. I did learn however, that now my husband is running a fever. I am terrified.
It is now 11:15 and I should be in bed, ... however, I know I will not sleep, ...
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