Testing

Testing my thinking here. It is very easy to start feeling sorry for myself. I want to write to see how I feel. To see if I am just feeling sorry for myself or if there is light ahead.

I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.

TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.

I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.

So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...

Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.

It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.

I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...

I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.

So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.