About 2 hours ago, 6:30 pm, the power went out. No air-conditioning, no TV, no computer. I wondered how widespread this was and how long it would last. It has been very hot and humid and lots of air-conditioners have been working their buns off. I wondered what I would do with myself for the rest of the evening.
I began to think about my grandparents and about hot evenings on their front porch. My grand-mother would be sitting and rocking and fanning herself, with what I don't remember, and my grand-father would be sitting on the porch steps watering the small patch of grass that was the front lawn with hose in hand. The front steps of the house led directly onto the sidewalk making it so easy to be neighbourly.
As I am picturing this, 2 faces came to mind, ... people who regularly passed the house during the day or the evening. One was "Crazy Charlie" who wasn't crazy at all, just simple, and always happy. He always spoke politely to my grand-parents, ... "Hello Mr. Farr, ... Hello Mrs Farr." He stopped to talk and they were always gentle with him as well. If he stayed too long my grandpa could nicely tell him to carry on. The second is just a face, I don't think I ever knew her name. A woman with dark eyebrows, dark hair and a consistently sober face. She would chat a bit too.
As I waited for the lights to come back on, ... the TV and the computer, I wondered about the difference these toys have made in our lives. I am more insulated, less friendly and I remember that as a little girl, I enjoyed those evenings, even though it was warm. My grandma would send someone to the corner store, with a bowl to be filled up with scoops of ice cream, ... or we would have a "mellow roll" ice cream cone, or a glass of real lemonade, ... made by my grandma, and none I have ever tasted was as good as hers.
There were always lots of lightening bugs to watch when the sun had disappeared, "heat lightning", a thunder storm "coming back around" as my grandma would say.
I rarely look back in time, I just don't usually enjoy doing so, but those times were so easy, calm, pleasant.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
THE SIGN
The intensity of my missing Elvin is lessening. It has been that I was unable to bring him to mind without reliving again, the 2 week hospital stay prior to his death, instantly and completely. Thinking about him and missing him still brings instant tears, but for not as long and not as thoroughly draining.
Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.
This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.
I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.
Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.
This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.
I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
And the Journey Continues
When 2010 departed, I thought my journey had come to an end. I was feeling good and better every day. I was exercising consistently and earnestly, determined to be able to walk like a 30 year-old rather than like a lop-sided old woman. I exercised so whole-heartedly that I thought I had pulled a muscle up under my rib-cage and took a day or 2 off hoping that the muscle pull would ease off. However, on Thursday it was beginning to feel like pleurisy and so I took myself to the UCC only to find out after an X-ray and blood work that I have "something" going on with my gall bladder, ... Joy to the World, will it never end.
On Monday I have an ultra-sound, on Tuesday I see my "Family Doctor". I am grateful that the something that is going on didn't really take off over the weekend. and I hope it just sits still for another day.
Last year was a year of healing one thing after another, ... and it looks as though that is the program for awhile yet. I try to find the words to explain what life is like now, ... I guess I would say it is just a time of waiting, waiting to be whole again. To be whole physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I am waiting and watching as life just goes by, ... no purpose to life other than to heal. When and if that happens, ... what then? I am not a patient person, I want change NOW!
Evenings are the very worst. I am not a fan of TV, ... anything I enjoy is over by 8 or 9 and there is really not that much I enjoy. It is all so nothing, unrelated to my life. Mornings are wonderful, ... this house is a warm and peaceful and beautiful place to be. The yard brings me a feeling of joy and peace, but, I am alone and generally am thinking of and working at making this hip fully functional. Is it worth it at this age when something else is bound to come along and have to be lived through, not enjoyed.
I sooooo miss Elvin and the laughing with him and enjoying so much. Days go by with no laughter and I need that. I need to make someone smile and I need to appreciate another person. I also need therapy, ... I am sitting here with tears running down my face, ... I cannot bring Elvin to mind without crying, I can't talk about him without the same reaction.
Getting through the struggle of the past year and the sameness of each day is not living it is enduring. This is not the time of life to wade through each day, but that is all there is. I can see how this would prepare a younger person for hardships ahead, but what is the point at my age, .. there isn't that much time left.
While you have a family, enjoy every minute. Be good to each other, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, life is short and goes by so very fast. Tell the person you are with that you love them, smile a lot, hug each other, hug your kids, make love a big item in your life, make someone's live worth living. My happiest time was making someone's life a delight, a happy surprise. Giving each of the kids a "Special Day" where we all wrote a note telling them what we liked best about them, and then read them at the table was a great idea. It was a fun time for everyone in the family. That was the very best time of life. Make someone's spirit grow while you have someone.
On Monday I have an ultra-sound, on Tuesday I see my "Family Doctor". I am grateful that the something that is going on didn't really take off over the weekend. and I hope it just sits still for another day.
Last year was a year of healing one thing after another, ... and it looks as though that is the program for awhile yet. I try to find the words to explain what life is like now, ... I guess I would say it is just a time of waiting, waiting to be whole again. To be whole physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I am waiting and watching as life just goes by, ... no purpose to life other than to heal. When and if that happens, ... what then? I am not a patient person, I want change NOW!
Evenings are the very worst. I am not a fan of TV, ... anything I enjoy is over by 8 or 9 and there is really not that much I enjoy. It is all so nothing, unrelated to my life. Mornings are wonderful, ... this house is a warm and peaceful and beautiful place to be. The yard brings me a feeling of joy and peace, but, I am alone and generally am thinking of and working at making this hip fully functional. Is it worth it at this age when something else is bound to come along and have to be lived through, not enjoyed.
I sooooo miss Elvin and the laughing with him and enjoying so much. Days go by with no laughter and I need that. I need to make someone smile and I need to appreciate another person. I also need therapy, ... I am sitting here with tears running down my face, ... I cannot bring Elvin to mind without crying, I can't talk about him without the same reaction.
Getting through the struggle of the past year and the sameness of each day is not living it is enduring. This is not the time of life to wade through each day, but that is all there is. I can see how this would prepare a younger person for hardships ahead, but what is the point at my age, .. there isn't that much time left.
While you have a family, enjoy every minute. Be good to each other, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, life is short and goes by so very fast. Tell the person you are with that you love them, smile a lot, hug each other, hug your kids, make love a big item in your life, make someone's live worth living. My happiest time was making someone's life a delight, a happy surprise. Giving each of the kids a "Special Day" where we all wrote a note telling them what we liked best about them, and then read them at the table was a great idea. It was a fun time for everyone in the family. That was the very best time of life. Make someone's spirit grow while you have someone.
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