Right Hip surgery is 4 weeks in the past and all is well. I am progressing on schedule and feeling more stable of mind each day, not as many highs and lows, but too much time to think. I will be so very happy when I am allowed to drive again. My social life is in the hands of whomever has time to help out. This has been an unwelcome view of what is in the future and so the following.
What has been neglected by me, to prepare myself for this awful loneliness? I know now that I neglected to give my children as sense of responsibility to those less fortunate. Some have that innate sense, but it is something that could have been fostered with trips to visit elderly relatives, not a great joy for kids, but in it would be a realization that their presence can bring joy to someone else: a shopping trip to buy Christmas gifts for those who have no hope of one.
Our world has become so angry and selfish. All this we realize too late. I am lonely to-day, ... it has been grey for days and that doesn't help. If I were able to drive I would be at Breck'n'Ridge for breakfast, except I just realized they aren't open to-day, but on lonely days I would be there just to see the people who smile at you, and to hear friendly voices.
I know who I am, and I am not someone who is a leader or an innovator, or a person who has ever wished to be, but if I were, I would see that that house that the 10 of us have laughingly talked about is built. The one where we all live together and look after each other and have nice airy rooms, share ironing, cooking, cleaning, gardening. Where there is always someone to talk to if you want to talk, and a quiet place to get away to when you don't. If I had been the type of person who made things happen all my life, I know I could do this, it is needed more than the homes where people are tied in their wheel chairs and left in a corner for the day. This is the type of home that encourages people to live, would keep their mind and hopes active. It is so important to let your children know that they are capable of anything, .. don't foster their fears.
See where your mind goes when you are alone and lonely, ... too far into the future. I guess it's called planning.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
EMPTINESS
Elvin,... as usual, I am wanting to talk to you, share with you, ... to-night Liz's hurts. There is no one else it is fair to share these with.
I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.
I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.
I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.
I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!
I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.
I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.
I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.
I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Missing You
Elvin, .. I miss you. Things happen every day that I go to share with you and you aren't here.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Testing
Testing my thinking here. It is very easy to start feeling sorry for myself. I want to write to see how I feel. To see if I am just feeling sorry for myself or if there is light ahead.
I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.
TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.
I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.
So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...
Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.
It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.
I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...
I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.
So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.
I can't imagine that the rest of my life will be like this. If it will be, I'd rather jump ship now. Because of the hip problem, I am practically stuck here. Evenings are very lonely. I wait for 10'o'clock to come so I can take my sleeping pill and finish another day. Life isn't meant to be lived alone, ... not for me. I need to hear another voice, .. feel some one's arms around me.
TV is boring, ... I can only read so much and then the words run together.
I want the hip surgery over and done with, ... but will it be a success. I have friends who have had this done, and still can't stand up straight and walk normally. I don't want a future like that. This getting older is ridiculous, ... in my head I am not 74, ... I am 35 and want to be able to do what a 35 year old would do.
So as I reread this, ... I guess the hip thing is what is dragging me down just now, ... as well as missing Elvin. Losing him I am dealing with, ... I dealt and am dealing with the cancer thing. I can't imagine a future until the hip thing is over with, ...
Mornings are good, ... I can go out and have breakfast with people I know, ... I can go for coffee, ... I can get things done, as long as it doesn't involve bending over or picking things off the floor, ... or out of the garden, ... but my life has been the garden. I need to be able to pick up stuff, .. I just can't let it all go.
It is too quiet. I miss Elvin so much. There are things I want to share with him and begin to, ... and he is not there.
I love my home and the peace that is here. However, ... I hate this town and this area, ... a forgotten area with the worst health care around. I don't want to have to go to Toronto to have the hip surgery, ... but I wouldn't have a stitch put in in Niagara. I don't want to have to rely on anyone other than myself, .... I wonder where this comes from. I relied on Elvin, ... we relied on each other. I will do what I have to do and will succeed at what I do, ... but it is so good to have someone who cares about you to bounce ideas off of. Someone to plan with, ...
I have friends who are newly alone as well, ... but our situations are all different, ... they suggest I call, ... but when I need to call, I am really down and don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.
So, ... rereading, ... I guess it is mostly missing Elvin and waiting on the hip problem, ... plain as that.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Elvin is Gone
Every night is the same.
All I do is go over every minute from the time Elvin and I were in the garden on that Monday, until he died 15 days later.
It should never have happened, I am convinced. The 2 days in Emergency in Niagara Falls, were the beginning of the end. After he finally was transferred to ICU on Thursday morning at 3, ... he was unable to communicate, was unable to breathe without a mask and finally a ventilator.
I watched everyday as he slipped further and further away. He had morphine for pain, ... but did anyone know where the pain was. He was sedated so that he would not struggle, ... but why was he struggling. He was given massive doses of antibiotics that did not work and were started too late. I am not supposed to be angry, ... but I am.
I lost my rock, ... my leveler, ... the man who was a joy to live with every single day, ... we could laugh together, ... I could make him laugh,... life was good and happy. I was so fortunate to have been able to be with him for the 7 years we did have.
The Premier, the Minister of Health, Juanita Gledhill, Debbie Sevenpifer, ... these are the ones responsible for the conditions in our shrinking hospitals that make tragedies like my husband's death possible.
This is not over, ... the mess these people have left the Niagara Peninsula's health care in has to be made right. They have to listen to the doctors and nurses who are fighting for what they know has been taken away and must be returned.
While I still hoped Elvin could fight his way through those horrible 2 weeks, I could sleep. It was an emotionally exhausted sleep, but it was sleep. Anger isn't allowing sleep, ... anger is destructive, ... I know I have to let go of anger, ... in the daytime that is possible, ... there are things to do. When I lie down at night all I can do is think, and wish for that wonderful warm hand to hold mine again.
I go to bed trying to make sense of all this, and I wake up doing the same.
All I do is go over every minute from the time Elvin and I were in the garden on that Monday, until he died 15 days later.
It should never have happened, I am convinced. The 2 days in Emergency in Niagara Falls, were the beginning of the end. After he finally was transferred to ICU on Thursday morning at 3, ... he was unable to communicate, was unable to breathe without a mask and finally a ventilator.
I watched everyday as he slipped further and further away. He had morphine for pain, ... but did anyone know where the pain was. He was sedated so that he would not struggle, ... but why was he struggling. He was given massive doses of antibiotics that did not work and were started too late. I am not supposed to be angry, ... but I am.
I lost my rock, ... my leveler, ... the man who was a joy to live with every single day, ... we could laugh together, ... I could make him laugh,... life was good and happy. I was so fortunate to have been able to be with him for the 7 years we did have.
The Premier, the Minister of Health, Juanita Gledhill, Debbie Sevenpifer, ... these are the ones responsible for the conditions in our shrinking hospitals that make tragedies like my husband's death possible.
This is not over, ... the mess these people have left the Niagara Peninsula's health care in has to be made right. They have to listen to the doctors and nurses who are fighting for what they know has been taken away and must be returned.
While I still hoped Elvin could fight his way through those horrible 2 weeks, I could sleep. It was an emotionally exhausted sleep, but it was sleep. Anger isn't allowing sleep, ... anger is destructive, ... I know I have to let go of anger, ... in the daytime that is possible, ... there are things to do. When I lie down at night all I can do is think, and wish for that wonderful warm hand to hold mine again.
I go to bed trying to make sense of all this, and I wake up doing the same.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
We Wait
We did not make it to Hamilton. Elvin is too sick to be transported. He has a lung infection.
I am home and emotionally exhausted. When we went to his room in ICU, ...he was moved there as of this morning at 3 AM, we were told he had had a bad night. There was a cool, wet,white wash cloth on his forehead as he has a high fever, and an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and his breathing was laboured. It remained laboured all day with his heart rate bouncing from 103 to 120. I stood and willed those numbers to change and prayed for God's intervention, ... and they remained the same. I could not stop the tears.
This is a strong man, ... strong of heart and strong of character. It is wrong to see him this way, ... I want to breath for him,... to give his heart a rest
His 4 sons were there to-day, ... they each were shocked, and devastated to see their father so vulnerable. There were tears. He told them each he loved them and to them this meant he was saying good-bye. I don't feel this way yet as at one point he asked me, "How long will I be here?" These are the words of someone still fighting.
Antibiotics were ordered from the hospital pharmacy at 10:30 AM, ... they arrived 3 hours later. That is too long a wait for a very ill 77 year old man with fluid on his lungs and severe coronary artery problems, ... but the NHS and the LHIN will not hear this. BUT, ... they are going to hear it!!!!! Somehow they have to stop pouring our money into a Mega Hospital and take care of the people left behind. This is one concern of my husband's doctor in the hospital, that so much money will be spent on the new St. Catharines P3 hospital that there will be none left to fund the 3 remaining ones that are just limping along now.
There is so much more to say, but this has been another very hard day and I am very tired once again.
Elvin's second son called me on his way home to Stouffville at 7:30 after visiting his Dad once more to-day, ... he had a very hard time talking through tears, ... he has very bad feelings about his Dad's survival. I did my best to reassure him and will call him tomorrow. I hope I have very good news.
I am home and emotionally exhausted. When we went to his room in ICU, ...he was moved there as of this morning at 3 AM, we were told he had had a bad night. There was a cool, wet,white wash cloth on his forehead as he has a high fever, and an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and his breathing was laboured. It remained laboured all day with his heart rate bouncing from 103 to 120. I stood and willed those numbers to change and prayed for God's intervention, ... and they remained the same. I could not stop the tears.
This is a strong man, ... strong of heart and strong of character. It is wrong to see him this way, ... I want to breath for him,... to give his heart a rest
His 4 sons were there to-day, ... they each were shocked, and devastated to see their father so vulnerable. There were tears. He told them each he loved them and to them this meant he was saying good-bye. I don't feel this way yet as at one point he asked me, "How long will I be here?" These are the words of someone still fighting.
Antibiotics were ordered from the hospital pharmacy at 10:30 AM, ... they arrived 3 hours later. That is too long a wait for a very ill 77 year old man with fluid on his lungs and severe coronary artery problems, ... but the NHS and the LHIN will not hear this. BUT, ... they are going to hear it!!!!! Somehow they have to stop pouring our money into a Mega Hospital and take care of the people left behind. This is one concern of my husband's doctor in the hospital, that so much money will be spent on the new St. Catharines P3 hospital that there will be none left to fund the 3 remaining ones that are just limping along now.
There is so much more to say, but this has been another very hard day and I am very tired once again.
Elvin's second son called me on his way home to Stouffville at 7:30 after visiting his Dad once more to-day, ... he had a very hard time talking through tears, ... he has very bad feelings about his Dad's survival. I did my best to reassure him and will call him tomorrow. I hope I have very good news.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Poorest Health Care in the Province
The journey is not for the faint of heart. Not the journey with Cancer, but the journey into old age, ... especially considering the state of health care in the province of Ontario...
Elvin is in hospital, ... Niagara Falls Hospital again, ... the place I dread the most and again, he is on a gurney in the Emergency. He is waiting to go to Hamilton for an angiogram following an episode of rising blood pressure, rising heart rate, and chest pain. He has been there since yesterday evening, ... very very tired and obviously unwell. He was seen by an internist at 4:30 this afternoon, a student had seen him earlier to do the preliminary questioning.
The Yellow Shirt Brigade, made up mostly of Seniors, has drawn attention to the poor health care in the Niagara Peninsula particularly, over the past 2 years. To-day we were again at Queens' Park drawing attention to our plight, ... I was to go, but would not leave Elvin at the mercy of inadequate nursing care. I will explain.
1. When we arrived at the former Emergency in Fort Erie, ... Douglas Memorial Hospital. he was triaged by a very kind and gentle nurse who would by the end of the day finish a 24 hour shift. Would you feel comfortable having her give you your medication, ... start and IV, ... I feel sorry for these women who are overworked to the point of it being to the detriment of patient care.
2. Elvin was fortunate to be hooked up to a monitor almost immediately 11:30 AM, however, ... a blood pressure cuff, necessary to monitor the rising blood pressure, could not be found, ... until 5 PM. And the Niagara Health System cuts our nurses, cuts our supplies and maintains that they have everything under control.
3. On arriving at the Niagara Falls hospital at 8:30 PM, he was placed on a gurney in the Emergency where he will likely stay, as he did the last time, for 3 or 4 days as there are no beds. The Niagara Health System has cut beds as they have cut nurses and services. A staff doctor asked a few questions and listened to his heart. My husband is on the maximum medications for his coronary heart disease. To-day when I went to visit, his blood pressure was rising as was his heart rate, ... when it got to 210/107 and his heart rate was 100, I went to the desk to suggest that perhaps they should come and do something.. A nurse came, and said they had not given him his medication and that is why it was so high, ... I would like to say I was dumbfounded, but rather was not surprised at all, ... this is par for the course at Greater Niagara General Hospital. They put the medicine in his IV and the pressure came down, .... some.
4. I called this evening to see if a bed had come available , and of course there wasn't one. I did learn however, that now my husband is running a fever. I am terrified.
It is now 11:15 and I should be in bed, ... however, I know I will not sleep, ...
Elvin is in hospital, ... Niagara Falls Hospital again, ... the place I dread the most and again, he is on a gurney in the Emergency. He is waiting to go to Hamilton for an angiogram following an episode of rising blood pressure, rising heart rate, and chest pain. He has been there since yesterday evening, ... very very tired and obviously unwell. He was seen by an internist at 4:30 this afternoon, a student had seen him earlier to do the preliminary questioning.
The Yellow Shirt Brigade, made up mostly of Seniors, has drawn attention to the poor health care in the Niagara Peninsula particularly, over the past 2 years. To-day we were again at Queens' Park drawing attention to our plight, ... I was to go, but would not leave Elvin at the mercy of inadequate nursing care. I will explain.
1. When we arrived at the former Emergency in Fort Erie, ... Douglas Memorial Hospital. he was triaged by a very kind and gentle nurse who would by the end of the day finish a 24 hour shift. Would you feel comfortable having her give you your medication, ... start and IV, ... I feel sorry for these women who are overworked to the point of it being to the detriment of patient care.
2. Elvin was fortunate to be hooked up to a monitor almost immediately 11:30 AM, however, ... a blood pressure cuff, necessary to monitor the rising blood pressure, could not be found, ... until 5 PM. And the Niagara Health System cuts our nurses, cuts our supplies and maintains that they have everything under control.
3. On arriving at the Niagara Falls hospital at 8:30 PM, he was placed on a gurney in the Emergency where he will likely stay, as he did the last time, for 3 or 4 days as there are no beds. The Niagara Health System has cut beds as they have cut nurses and services. A staff doctor asked a few questions and listened to his heart. My husband is on the maximum medications for his coronary heart disease. To-day when I went to visit, his blood pressure was rising as was his heart rate, ... when it got to 210/107 and his heart rate was 100, I went to the desk to suggest that perhaps they should come and do something.. A nurse came, and said they had not given him his medication and that is why it was so high, ... I would like to say I was dumbfounded, but rather was not surprised at all, ... this is par for the course at Greater Niagara General Hospital. They put the medicine in his IV and the pressure came down, .... some.
4. I called this evening to see if a bed had come available , and of course there wasn't one. I did learn however, that now my husband is running a fever. I am terrified.
It is now 11:15 and I should be in bed, ... however, I know I will not sleep, ...
Monday, April 26, 2010
QUESTIONS
Now, they are beginning to come, .... questions that I don't know where to go for the answers.
Through all of this, since the blockage was discovered in November, I have had a taste or smell in my mouth, or nose, that I can only describe as the taste or smell of wet newspaper. I hoped that after the surgery, this would go away, but that hasn't happened. I wonder if it is on my breath, ... if others can smell cancer in me. What is causing this, where is it coming from, will it ever go away, does it mean that the cancer is somewhere else?
One of the questions I was asked by each doctor that I saw since November was, "Are you having any flushing?", ... this is a symptom of the carcinoid tumor. My answer always was ... NO. However, recently, including this evening, I am having episodes of flushing, ... something like hot flashes, but more like warm flushes. Why am I having them now? Does this mean that the cancer is somewhere else? Will I always worry about every possible new symptom?
To-night I had a slight fever, ... does this go with cancer cells still being in my body? It could be the beginning of a cold, another bout of diverticulitis, ... but my first thought now will be, ... is the cancer growing somewhere else in my body?
My life has changed. The things I once was concerned about matter not at all compared to the place I now am. Even though following surgery, my surgeon said that all was well, ... is it really? I want to stay optimistic and I have been doing really well, ... but not to-night.
I want to feel like I did 20 years ago, ... invincible. Coming into the "Golden Years" is not fun, ... aches and pains, unsteady legs, changes in heart rhythms, medications, .... however, I would be happy with just that instead of the wondering I live with now, everyday. If there wasn't the bad taste, the flushing, unexplained fevers, ... I might be able to forget that the cells are still there and no matter how slow they are supposed to grow, they are still growing.
Maybe tomorrow will bring something good to occupy my mind, ... I must not become preoccupied with this thing, .... that only aids it in it's growth.
Through all of this, since the blockage was discovered in November, I have had a taste or smell in my mouth, or nose, that I can only describe as the taste or smell of wet newspaper. I hoped that after the surgery, this would go away, but that hasn't happened. I wonder if it is on my breath, ... if others can smell cancer in me. What is causing this, where is it coming from, will it ever go away, does it mean that the cancer is somewhere else?
One of the questions I was asked by each doctor that I saw since November was, "Are you having any flushing?", ... this is a symptom of the carcinoid tumor. My answer always was ... NO. However, recently, including this evening, I am having episodes of flushing, ... something like hot flashes, but more like warm flushes. Why am I having them now? Does this mean that the cancer is somewhere else? Will I always worry about every possible new symptom?
To-night I had a slight fever, ... does this go with cancer cells still being in my body? It could be the beginning of a cold, another bout of diverticulitis, ... but my first thought now will be, ... is the cancer growing somewhere else in my body?
My life has changed. The things I once was concerned about matter not at all compared to the place I now am. Even though following surgery, my surgeon said that all was well, ... is it really? I want to stay optimistic and I have been doing really well, ... but not to-night.
I want to feel like I did 20 years ago, ... invincible. Coming into the "Golden Years" is not fun, ... aches and pains, unsteady legs, changes in heart rhythms, medications, .... however, I would be happy with just that instead of the wondering I live with now, everyday. If there wasn't the bad taste, the flushing, unexplained fevers, ... I might be able to forget that the cells are still there and no matter how slow they are supposed to grow, they are still growing.
Maybe tomorrow will bring something good to occupy my mind, ... I must not become preoccupied with this thing, .... that only aids it in it's growth.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
A FEW THINGS
The 4 walnut halves did matter. The collection went fine, 3 days later.
I also have started back strengthening exercises with my favourite Physio-therapist in preparation for the hip surgery. I was amazed at the results of one session which was simply some traction for my lower back. My stride was longer, the pain was considerably less and the results have stayed with me since that treatment. I have 2 more sessions with the same treatment next week and look forward to getting into the garden.
My neighbour Denise, has raked all my gardens, ... I have them around the perimeter of the yard and at the side and front of the house. She has transplanted, moved shrubs, and cleaned out all weeds, ... it now looks "do-able" by me. I am changing many of the perennials that need much care, to hosta, ferns and some new sod. I also am changing a flagstone deck, full of weeds to a wooden, no care deck of the same size. I have hope again. To-day I bought a beautiful peach iris, and a Jacob's Ladder. I wish I knew how to add pictures to this and I would add them here, ... The garden is the prettiest in Spring.
My visit with the surgeon for my 6 weeks check-up went well, ... however, he wants to do another CAT-scan of the liver very soon, ... I hope this brings good news. If it is not good news, I am up for removing part of the liver that appears to still have cancer. I am still in my optimistic stage of all of this. I am reading an interesting book by Elizabeth Berg called, Never Change. The story is about a visiting nurse and her patients among whom there are cancer patients. I am encouraged by what I read, even though this is fiction, ... especially about attitude and how it affects the outcome of cancer.
My attitudes so far is good, ... and I feel well, .. and plan to stay that way.
I also have started back strengthening exercises with my favourite Physio-therapist in preparation for the hip surgery. I was amazed at the results of one session which was simply some traction for my lower back. My stride was longer, the pain was considerably less and the results have stayed with me since that treatment. I have 2 more sessions with the same treatment next week and look forward to getting into the garden.
My neighbour Denise, has raked all my gardens, ... I have them around the perimeter of the yard and at the side and front of the house. She has transplanted, moved shrubs, and cleaned out all weeds, ... it now looks "do-able" by me. I am changing many of the perennials that need much care, to hosta, ferns and some new sod. I also am changing a flagstone deck, full of weeds to a wooden, no care deck of the same size. I have hope again. To-day I bought a beautiful peach iris, and a Jacob's Ladder. I wish I knew how to add pictures to this and I would add them here, ... The garden is the prettiest in Spring.
My visit with the surgeon for my 6 weeks check-up went well, ... however, he wants to do another CAT-scan of the liver very soon, ... I hope this brings good news. If it is not good news, I am up for removing part of the liver that appears to still have cancer. I am still in my optimistic stage of all of this. I am reading an interesting book by Elizabeth Berg called, Never Change. The story is about a visiting nurse and her patients among whom there are cancer patients. I am encouraged by what I read, even though this is fiction, ... especially about attitude and how it affects the outcome of cancer.
My attitudes so far is good, ... and I feel well, .. and plan to stay that way.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Ha Ha
The only hope we have of surviving things we wish we didn't have to deal with at all, is to be able to find humour in them.
I require another 24 hour urine collection. I had the first collection prior to surgery while I was also in the middle of a prolonged period of diarrhea. That I hope I never have to repeat, ... and did require, keeping one's sense of humour. To execute this test, means that every drop must be caught from the second time one has to go in the morning, through the night, until the first one the following morning, and not one time can be missed.
To-day being Monday, and knowing that I cannot eat bananas, pineapple, plums or eggplant for 3 or 4 days prior to this collection, I was prepared when I picked up my bright orange, 3 litre container to get right at things in the morning, ... I had even cancelled a lunch with friends to give this my full and undivided attention. I had had none of the above, ... but, .... I had forgotten walnuts. Last night, mixed in with a small palmful of mixed nuts, there were no more than 4 walnut halves, which I ate. I now have a call in to the Oncology Clinic to see if 4 walnut halves will make a difference. This is important because, the requisition for this test says "Please do Now!".
If eating the walnuts is a real NO NO, I cannot collect until this coming Thursday at the earliest, take it in to the lab on Friday and the results are needed before my first injection on Friday.
With all the indignities that may be ahead of me, ... I'm laughing, ... Ha Ha!!
I require another 24 hour urine collection. I had the first collection prior to surgery while I was also in the middle of a prolonged period of diarrhea. That I hope I never have to repeat, ... and did require, keeping one's sense of humour. To execute this test, means that every drop must be caught from the second time one has to go in the morning, through the night, until the first one the following morning, and not one time can be missed.
To-day being Monday, and knowing that I cannot eat bananas, pineapple, plums or eggplant for 3 or 4 days prior to this collection, I was prepared when I picked up my bright orange, 3 litre container to get right at things in the morning, ... I had even cancelled a lunch with friends to give this my full and undivided attention. I had had none of the above, ... but, .... I had forgotten walnuts. Last night, mixed in with a small palmful of mixed nuts, there were no more than 4 walnut halves, which I ate. I now have a call in to the Oncology Clinic to see if 4 walnut halves will make a difference. This is important because, the requisition for this test says "Please do Now!".
If eating the walnuts is a real NO NO, I cannot collect until this coming Thursday at the earliest, take it in to the lab on Friday and the results are needed before my first injection on Friday.
With all the indignities that may be ahead of me, ... I'm laughing, ... Ha Ha!!
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Catch Up
It will be hard to catch up here, so much time has passed since my surgery which was apparently a success. My stay in the hospital was good and lasted 7 days for which I am grateful. There was no trouble with the incision or the surgery and my recovery has been just as it should be, and as I am determined to live quite awhile yet, I have rested when I needed to, and moved when I felt like it. Six weeks is the average recovery time, and that will be here in just 4 more days.
Elvin has been wonderful, ... patient, calm, and accommodating. I have had a minimum of stress and that has been a great help in recovering. For 2 weeks after coming home, we had Meals on Wheels, which turned out to be way too much food, as neither of us are eating as we once did. I have lost 20 pounds and intend that it stay lost.
This is a continuing journey still as the 2 spots of cancer in the liver, even though they were "zapped", will always be, "cancer in the liver". This will be monitored yearly and I continue to be very careful what I eat, concentrating on foods that do not stress the liver.
I have my 6 week check-up with the surgeon this coming Thursday, and I begin a monthly needle in the stomach this coming Friday as a means of retarding the growth of any stray cancer cells. This I will supposedly have to have for the rest of my live, ... if the side effects don't finish me first. I may be one of the lucky ones and have only the mildest and most common, which include abdominal discomfort, loose stools, nausea, abdominal gas, .... Wahoo, how lucky could I get. This however is only supposed to last 24 hours, ... once a month, ... for the rest of my life. Sounds as though I will be rigidly planning my activities. Don't get me wrong, ... I am very grateful that the surgeon feels he got everything and my future looks very good, and science has discovered something to retard the growth of cancer cells.
My journey with cancer, will be walking hand in hand with my journey with hip replacement which begins the 30th of this month, with a trip to Toronto for an assessment with Dr. Cameron at the Holland Arthritis Institute in Toronto. Everyone tells me this will be a great success and I will feel like a new person, ... can't wait, ... this new person will be able to walk upstairs, shop, garden, dance, ... all without pain. I hang on to this belief with tight fingers.
It will be an interesting Summer, ... tiring, uncomfortable and I will need to be able to keep as positive as I have been up to this time, ... bear with me.
Elvin has been wonderful, ... patient, calm, and accommodating. I have had a minimum of stress and that has been a great help in recovering. For 2 weeks after coming home, we had Meals on Wheels, which turned out to be way too much food, as neither of us are eating as we once did. I have lost 20 pounds and intend that it stay lost.
This is a continuing journey still as the 2 spots of cancer in the liver, even though they were "zapped", will always be, "cancer in the liver". This will be monitored yearly and I continue to be very careful what I eat, concentrating on foods that do not stress the liver.
I have my 6 week check-up with the surgeon this coming Thursday, and I begin a monthly needle in the stomach this coming Friday as a means of retarding the growth of any stray cancer cells. This I will supposedly have to have for the rest of my live, ... if the side effects don't finish me first. I may be one of the lucky ones and have only the mildest and most common, which include abdominal discomfort, loose stools, nausea, abdominal gas, .... Wahoo, how lucky could I get. This however is only supposed to last 24 hours, ... once a month, ... for the rest of my life. Sounds as though I will be rigidly planning my activities. Don't get me wrong, ... I am very grateful that the surgeon feels he got everything and my future looks very good, and science has discovered something to retard the growth of cancer cells.
My journey with cancer, will be walking hand in hand with my journey with hip replacement which begins the 30th of this month, with a trip to Toronto for an assessment with Dr. Cameron at the Holland Arthritis Institute in Toronto. Everyone tells me this will be a great success and I will feel like a new person, ... can't wait, ... this new person will be able to walk upstairs, shop, garden, dance, ... all without pain. I hang on to this belief with tight fingers.
It will be an interesting Summer, ... tiring, uncomfortable and I will need to be able to keep as positive as I have been up to this time, ... bear with me.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Day 3 of Four
My journey, ... as it is and as it happens, ... my journey. Some days up others down and to-day I am very tired, ... exhausted.
To-day was Pre-op day. My visit with the surgeon gave me information I wanted to know, but not exactly what I wanted to hear. I asked how long the surgery would be and he told me 4 hours and I think that was the beginning of feeling tired.
I have had just a few surgeries in my life, ... the first being a tonsillectomy at age 8 when the anesthetic was ether. I can remember being terrified and feeling as though I was suffocating. While under, I had a horrifying dream of being chased down a long dark tunnel by a clown, ... there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I remember screaming and being told of course not to as it could cause bleeding in my throat.
To say I am not looking forward to surgery is ridiculous, .... who does.
I was told to-day that I would be in hospital a week, and that is a good thing, ... I was afraid of being let out too soon as is the way in most hospitals to-day. The scan I had on day 2 showed no new cancer anywhere, and that is a good thing. The scan did show however, 2 new spots on the liver. I will be having an ultra-sound on the liver as part of the surgery and depending on what information that gives my doctor, the spots will be zapped, or, I will be having more surgery later to remove part of the liver.
There has been much information to deal with since this all began, and just now, I don't want to know anything else, ... I just want it over and done. That will be Day 4, and there will be no blogging until at least a week later, ... there are more places yet to go on this journey.
To-day was Pre-op day. My visit with the surgeon gave me information I wanted to know, but not exactly what I wanted to hear. I asked how long the surgery would be and he told me 4 hours and I think that was the beginning of feeling tired.
I have had just a few surgeries in my life, ... the first being a tonsillectomy at age 8 when the anesthetic was ether. I can remember being terrified and feeling as though I was suffocating. While under, I had a horrifying dream of being chased down a long dark tunnel by a clown, ... there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I remember screaming and being told of course not to as it could cause bleeding in my throat.
To say I am not looking forward to surgery is ridiculous, .... who does.
I was told to-day that I would be in hospital a week, and that is a good thing, ... I was afraid of being let out too soon as is the way in most hospitals to-day. The scan I had on day 2 showed no new cancer anywhere, and that is a good thing. The scan did show however, 2 new spots on the liver. I will be having an ultra-sound on the liver as part of the surgery and depending on what information that gives my doctor, the spots will be zapped, or, I will be having more surgery later to remove part of the liver.
There has been much information to deal with since this all began, and just now, I don't want to know anything else, ... I just want it over and done. That will be Day 4, and there will be no blogging until at least a week later, ... there are more places yet to go on this journey.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Better Day
It is amazing to me how little it takes to put me down, but also, how little it takes to lift me up.
I had a few things to do to-day so started the day with 2 Tylenol Arthritis as insurance against hip pain. We went to breakfast at Tammy's and as we were leaving, Patti our waitress gave me a hug and a kiss and wished me well on Wednesday, ... unexpected, but Oh so welcome and uplifting.
I watered Peggy's plants and then went to her neighbour Joy, a retired nurse to arrange for her to take over for me with the plant watering. We chatted and she too was very reassuring, ... we talked about the bad day yesterday and my concern as to which problem was causing the down feeling. She said both, and that it was best to listen to the body and when it says "Stop", ... then stop, rest, and tackle the chore again when you feel better. I left her place feeling good, and positive.
The Tylenol allowed me to get the things done that I wanted to with no pain and when I got home I was even able to rearrange a couple of things in the bedroom with Elvin's help, but we knew when to quit.
Called my friend Merilyn to arrange a few things for Millie and the stray, and as is her way, she has organized that our 12 breakfast friends will all be praying for me at 9 Wednesday morning, ... she says I am loved, and I know I am. We are a group who loves to be together, and our love for each other is only growing as we understand and care about the problems of this time of life.
I e-mailed June, one of this group, about an upcoming dinner in support of our local Health Care and she replied that she would be in church on Wednesday morning at 9 to light a candle for me, ... again, ... how fortunate I am.
If ever I have felt uplifted, it has been to-day, ... I have been given a wonderful insight into the power of love from my friends. My mandate is to do the same for others. I am blessed.
I will use all the good things to make a list in my mind when the bad times try to take over.
I had a few things to do to-day so started the day with 2 Tylenol Arthritis as insurance against hip pain. We went to breakfast at Tammy's and as we were leaving, Patti our waitress gave me a hug and a kiss and wished me well on Wednesday, ... unexpected, but Oh so welcome and uplifting.
I watered Peggy's plants and then went to her neighbour Joy, a retired nurse to arrange for her to take over for me with the plant watering. We chatted and she too was very reassuring, ... we talked about the bad day yesterday and my concern as to which problem was causing the down feeling. She said both, and that it was best to listen to the body and when it says "Stop", ... then stop, rest, and tackle the chore again when you feel better. I left her place feeling good, and positive.
The Tylenol allowed me to get the things done that I wanted to with no pain and when I got home I was even able to rearrange a couple of things in the bedroom with Elvin's help, but we knew when to quit.
Called my friend Merilyn to arrange a few things for Millie and the stray, and as is her way, she has organized that our 12 breakfast friends will all be praying for me at 9 Wednesday morning, ... she says I am loved, and I know I am. We are a group who loves to be together, and our love for each other is only growing as we understand and care about the problems of this time of life.
I e-mailed June, one of this group, about an upcoming dinner in support of our local Health Care and she replied that she would be in church on Wednesday morning at 9 to light a candle for me, ... again, ... how fortunate I am.
If ever I have felt uplifted, it has been to-day, ... I have been given a wonderful insight into the power of love from my friends. My mandate is to do the same for others. I am blessed.
I will use all the good things to make a list in my mind when the bad times try to take over.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Not feeling well to-day, ... or yesterday afternoon.
Until I knew of the tumor attached to the bowel, ... when I had days like this, I blamed arthritis, ... my hips and lower back would hurt so much I was nauseous. Now, ... I don't know the reason, but my down times blame it on cancer, ... cancer in the liver.
To-day I again did a load of laundry and hung it out as it has been a beautiful day, then, I cut Elvin's hair. The standing was so painful, that I had to stop, lie down and then take a second run at the hair cut. I lay on the couch and slept and rested for the rest of the day, and I have that awful wet newspaper taste in my mouth again.
It is impossible to feel "up" to-day, and negative thoughts are right there, and I know I must stay positive, .... not to-day. I begin to project into the future, how I will feel, how long I have to live, ... not pleasant.
I wonder if it is just that the surgery is now so close, ... just 3 more days.
I can't even clean the house properly, ... one room defeats me and I am down for the day. This isn't my imagination, ... I don't want to feel this way, ... I want to have energy and stamina, ... I have to count on my body and it is letting me down.
It's strange, ... there are times when I feel good, ... can get through the whole day, and lately there are more when I can't.
Tomorrow is Sunday, .. breakfast out, ... check Peggy's plants. She is in Florida. Then a short trip to Buffalo for gas and a few groceries. It is supposed to be about 50 tomorrow and I would like to push myself to walk to the corner with my walking sticks.
We will see what tomorrow brings.
Until I knew of the tumor attached to the bowel, ... when I had days like this, I blamed arthritis, ... my hips and lower back would hurt so much I was nauseous. Now, ... I don't know the reason, but my down times blame it on cancer, ... cancer in the liver.
To-day I again did a load of laundry and hung it out as it has been a beautiful day, then, I cut Elvin's hair. The standing was so painful, that I had to stop, lie down and then take a second run at the hair cut. I lay on the couch and slept and rested for the rest of the day, and I have that awful wet newspaper taste in my mouth again.
It is impossible to feel "up" to-day, and negative thoughts are right there, and I know I must stay positive, .... not to-day. I begin to project into the future, how I will feel, how long I have to live, ... not pleasant.
I wonder if it is just that the surgery is now so close, ... just 3 more days.
I can't even clean the house properly, ... one room defeats me and I am down for the day. This isn't my imagination, ... I don't want to feel this way, ... I want to have energy and stamina, ... I have to count on my body and it is letting me down.
It's strange, ... there are times when I feel good, ... can get through the whole day, and lately there are more when I can't.
Tomorrow is Sunday, .. breakfast out, ... check Peggy's plants. She is in Florida. Then a short trip to Buffalo for gas and a few groceries. It is supposed to be about 50 tomorrow and I would like to push myself to walk to the corner with my walking sticks.
We will see what tomorrow brings.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Good Morning Sunshine !!
It is 9 a .m. and it is a glorious beginning to the day, ... lots of sunshine and the weatherman says it will be here for the day, ... I already have laundry on the go because I want it hung outside. This is one of my greatest sources of joy, ... laundry on the line in the sun, with a breeze.
I have a list in red ink of things that have to be done before I go into hospital and have crossed off four already, ... only five to go. I've got enough cat food in for Millie in the house, and the stray on the porch, have to pick up some fresh litter,... looked after the bills and finances. The other things include cleaning the house, ... I ususally have someone who does this every other week, but she is in Florida, ... lucky girl. I want to leave the house clean and there are phone calls to be made and I have to make sure Elvin knows where things are in the freezer, ... and there will be other things come up that I haven't thought of yet. I also want to get a "lip rip-off" before going in, ... enough said.
We will be going to the arena shortly for Elvin's walk and that will be followed by some running around to pick up this and that, ... the kitty litter being one.
Millie and my friend Mer get along wonderfully, ... Mer loves cats. Mer will drop in to play with her, feed her, and empty her box, brush her, give her treats, and toss her her toys... and if I don't clean the house she would do that too, ... I will make sure she does not even get a chance. She even would feed the birds, however, Elvin will be here most of the time, and that will not be a problem.
Inexpicably, .. I feel very light-hearted to-day, ...I'm sure the sunshine and the prospect of hanging out laundry have something to do with that. I also, as I have said before, am so very grateful for the people I know and who I know love, and care about me, and are my friends. I am truly blessed.
Wish you all could feel as great as I do to-day, ... Have a super good one !!!
I have a list in red ink of things that have to be done before I go into hospital and have crossed off four already, ... only five to go. I've got enough cat food in for Millie in the house, and the stray on the porch, have to pick up some fresh litter,... looked after the bills and finances. The other things include cleaning the house, ... I ususally have someone who does this every other week, but she is in Florida, ... lucky girl. I want to leave the house clean and there are phone calls to be made and I have to make sure Elvin knows where things are in the freezer, ... and there will be other things come up that I haven't thought of yet. I also want to get a "lip rip-off" before going in, ... enough said.
We will be going to the arena shortly for Elvin's walk and that will be followed by some running around to pick up this and that, ... the kitty litter being one.
Millie and my friend Mer get along wonderfully, ... Mer loves cats. Mer will drop in to play with her, feed her, and empty her box, brush her, give her treats, and toss her her toys... and if I don't clean the house she would do that too, ... I will make sure she does not even get a chance. She even would feed the birds, however, Elvin will be here most of the time, and that will not be a problem.
Inexpicably, .. I feel very light-hearted to-day, ...I'm sure the sunshine and the prospect of hanging out laundry have something to do with that. I also, as I have said before, am so very grateful for the people I know and who I know love, and care about me, and are my friends. I am truly blessed.
Wish you all could feel as great as I do to-day, ... Have a super good one !!!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Day Two of Four
Another huge step closer to surgery.
The scan, in 3 parts, included a bone scan and I imagine the rest was to every other part of my body. Having only been thinking in terms of a liver scan, at first this was a bit disconcerting, .... however, as I had time to think about it, surely it is only good that the surgeon will know ahead of time, what is happening inside of me.
My next visit to Hamilton will be on Monday and then only one more day to get through until surgery on Wednesday.
Wish I had something humourous to add to-day, or light, funny, happy, whatever, ... but I am becoming more tense as the day approaches.
Many good things happen though as I hear from friends, and am able to vent with them and accept advice and encouragement. I know that this experience will change me. Knowing how much a card, a call or an e-mail means to me during all of this, I plan to reach out more when people in my life need hope or comfort.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Day One of Four
The countdown has begun, ... only 7 more days until surgery. I am, ... Oh so many things!! Holding on tight, too tight, happy to have things under way, coming apart at the least deviation from what I think I know, anxious for it all to be over and to know all there is to know.
This was the injection day that came with it's own little deviation. I was at Henderson Cancer Hospital this morning for an 11'o'clock appointment to have the injection in preparation for tomorrow's liver scan, ... or at least that is what I thought was to be scanned, as that is where the cancer was to have metastasized to. However, as the nurse was explaining what would happen tomorrow, she told me that if the cancer had spread to other places in my body, the injection would enable these places to light up.
Wonderful!! I hadn't heard or thought of this possibility, ... I thought we had just been concerned about the liver, ... but other places? Once again, ... this sent me down some. I guess I have been trying to ignore too much and it all, whatever it is, will have to be faced in large or small doses very, very soon.
I am beginning to feel scared and sad, ... and I think I must allow myself to feel this way, ... who wouldn't. It will pass, because I know there is strength in me. I can deal with what I know, ... so let's get on to the knowing.
Tomorrow is Day Two of Four, ... the Scan. It is a 2 hour event which will help the surgeon tremendously on Day Four, ... Let's get a good night's sleep Nancy.
This was the injection day that came with it's own little deviation. I was at Henderson Cancer Hospital this morning for an 11'o'clock appointment to have the injection in preparation for tomorrow's liver scan, ... or at least that is what I thought was to be scanned, as that is where the cancer was to have metastasized to. However, as the nurse was explaining what would happen tomorrow, she told me that if the cancer had spread to other places in my body, the injection would enable these places to light up.
Wonderful!! I hadn't heard or thought of this possibility, ... I thought we had just been concerned about the liver, ... but other places? Once again, ... this sent me down some. I guess I have been trying to ignore too much and it all, whatever it is, will have to be faced in large or small doses very, very soon.
I am beginning to feel scared and sad, ... and I think I must allow myself to feel this way, ... who wouldn't. It will pass, because I know there is strength in me. I can deal with what I know, ... so let's get on to the knowing.
Tomorrow is Day Two of Four, ... the Scan. It is a 2 hour event which will help the surgeon tremendously on Day Four, ... Let's get a good night's sleep Nancy.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Crash
Things can change, ... suddenly. To-day is a different day. Up until to-day, I have been strong, ... I have been strong and thought I would be strong all through this, but to-day I have had a small crash.
Elvin woke this morning with what he called, not feeling well. At 8:10 I took his blood pressure which was way too high, .... he stayed in the lazy-boy, and I took his pressure periodically until half an hour later it was acceptable. However, since the heart attack and since yesterday when he could not complete 6 circles of the walking track at the arena as he has been able to do for awhile, and had to sit down twice, I thought it would be best to have him checked out at the Emergency.
I left him to get a coffee, and go home and take my medication, and call 3 of my children and a few friends, and lost it. I was counting on staying strong, for me and for everyone.
I returned to the hospital to give him his cell phone and a book and suddenly began to not feel well myself, so I am home and will put my feet up, ... but I have weakness in my arms and shoulders, and I know this is not good. I it is not good because I will be having surgery and at that time, I will need a strong heart and good blood pressure, ... and inner strength.
We are both stressed about the other, both concerned about the other, likely bringing on stress symptoms. Elvin knowing that we have 4 trips to Hamilton in the next 2 weeks, the final one for the surgery, certainly is a concern to him. His wife died of cancer, .... a girl friend died of cancer, and now what can he possibly think, ... we don't want to lose each other. I am still optimistic, but surprised and disappointed with myself to see how close to the edge I am.
My daughter-in-law will be with me for the surgery, and Elvin if he is OK, and I have friends who I know are there for me.
Elvin will be able to come home about 6:00 pm if all continues to go well, ... and I am confident it will, his vital signs are good, and another blood test isn't due for another 3 hours.
Just now, I really need to go and lie down myself, ... I know this spot of weakness will pass. This is another speed bump in the journey.
Elvin woke this morning with what he called, not feeling well. At 8:10 I took his blood pressure which was way too high, .... he stayed in the lazy-boy, and I took his pressure periodically until half an hour later it was acceptable. However, since the heart attack and since yesterday when he could not complete 6 circles of the walking track at the arena as he has been able to do for awhile, and had to sit down twice, I thought it would be best to have him checked out at the Emergency.
I left him to get a coffee, and go home and take my medication, and call 3 of my children and a few friends, and lost it. I was counting on staying strong, for me and for everyone.
I returned to the hospital to give him his cell phone and a book and suddenly began to not feel well myself, so I am home and will put my feet up, ... but I have weakness in my arms and shoulders, and I know this is not good. I it is not good because I will be having surgery and at that time, I will need a strong heart and good blood pressure, ... and inner strength.
We are both stressed about the other, both concerned about the other, likely bringing on stress symptoms. Elvin knowing that we have 4 trips to Hamilton in the next 2 weeks, the final one for the surgery, certainly is a concern to him. His wife died of cancer, .... a girl friend died of cancer, and now what can he possibly think, ... we don't want to lose each other. I am still optimistic, but surprised and disappointed with myself to see how close to the edge I am.
My daughter-in-law will be with me for the surgery, and Elvin if he is OK, and I have friends who I know are there for me.
Elvin will be able to come home about 6:00 pm if all continues to go well, ... and I am confident it will, his vital signs are good, and another blood test isn't due for another 3 hours.
Just now, I really need to go and lie down myself, ... I know this spot of weakness will pass. This is another speed bump in the journey.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I Surprise Myself
This Journey is enlightening. I get insights into myself.
About 3 weeks ago, I looked up "Carcinoid Tumor" on the computer as this is what is living, attached to my upper bowel, inside of me. I was able to read about enough to tell me that it wasn't good, but wasn't bad either. I could not read, causes, symptoms, treatment, or anything else, ... I simply could not. This evening, I took another run at it with no shaky stomach, no fears. I was able to read that I may live 5 years, that there will be no chemo, and many interesting facts about this tumor. How on earth can I calmly think of what I read as "interesting facts", but they were.
While I was in High School, I was anxiously waiting until I could take Biology and Zoology. I wanted to be a veterinarian. Because I changed schools, I missed both of these courses, ... I know I would have passed both with flying colours. When a medical situation arises in my life, I want to know all the facts involved, ... I likely have too many questions for my doctor. I actually wish I could watch the surgery that will take place on the 9th of March. I am not afraid of what is ahead, and I will be even less likely to be afraid, the more I know about this tumor. What I read to-day I find fascinating. Many of these tumors in people are only found after they die, during an autopsy, ... they are very common.
I have 2 weeks to go and my biggest concern is that I don't catch a cold and have to have this surgery postponed.
About 3 weeks ago, I looked up "Carcinoid Tumor" on the computer as this is what is living, attached to my upper bowel, inside of me. I was able to read about enough to tell me that it wasn't good, but wasn't bad either. I could not read, causes, symptoms, treatment, or anything else, ... I simply could not. This evening, I took another run at it with no shaky stomach, no fears. I was able to read that I may live 5 years, that there will be no chemo, and many interesting facts about this tumor. How on earth can I calmly think of what I read as "interesting facts", but they were.
While I was in High School, I was anxiously waiting until I could take Biology and Zoology. I wanted to be a veterinarian. Because I changed schools, I missed both of these courses, ... I know I would have passed both with flying colours. When a medical situation arises in my life, I want to know all the facts involved, ... I likely have too many questions for my doctor. I actually wish I could watch the surgery that will take place on the 9th of March. I am not afraid of what is ahead, and I will be even less likely to be afraid, the more I know about this tumor. What I read to-day I find fascinating. Many of these tumors in people are only found after they die, during an autopsy, ... they are very common.
I have 2 weeks to go and my biggest concern is that I don't catch a cold and have to have this surgery postponed.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Date for Surgery
This my second attempt at this post, ... the first just didn't work, and this one will not be the same, ... my first attempt is usually the easiest.
The surgeon called to-day with the date for surgery, ... it will be March 9th or 10th, ... he is calling again on Monday with more details. This will also give me time to have a few questions ready that have come to mind since his call. One will be, what type of surgery will this be, ... open or laparoscopic, ... I would prefer the latter. Another question is how long should the recovery time be, ... the stay in the hospital.
The surgery will include a liver biopsy, and the removal of a section of upper bowel to which the carcinoid tumor is attached. My dearest wish is that this tumor is benign and that the liver biopsy shows no invasion of this tumor into the liver, if the tumor is cancerous. How does one stay calm with these thoughts trying to push to the forefront of my mind throughout the day.
The one thought that I have never given voice to, but that niggles at the back of my brain and heart is will I survive the surgery. It will not be like having a sliver removed and I am not a young woman. I do consider myself basically healthy, ... no diabetes, no high blood pressure, but I do have a small heart problem, and I do have sleep apnea.
This will be a longer journey than I ever anticipated. However, ... I have loving, caring supportive friends and family, and for that I am supremely grateful.
The surgeon called to-day with the date for surgery, ... it will be March 9th or 10th, ... he is calling again on Monday with more details. This will also give me time to have a few questions ready that have come to mind since his call. One will be, what type of surgery will this be, ... open or laparoscopic, ... I would prefer the latter. Another question is how long should the recovery time be, ... the stay in the hospital.
The surgery will include a liver biopsy, and the removal of a section of upper bowel to which the carcinoid tumor is attached. My dearest wish is that this tumor is benign and that the liver biopsy shows no invasion of this tumor into the liver, if the tumor is cancerous. How does one stay calm with these thoughts trying to push to the forefront of my mind throughout the day.
The one thought that I have never given voice to, but that niggles at the back of my brain and heart is will I survive the surgery. It will not be like having a sliver removed and I am not a young woman. I do consider myself basically healthy, ... no diabetes, no high blood pressure, but I do have a small heart problem, and I do have sleep apnea.
This will be a longer journey than I ever anticipated. However, ... I have loving, caring supportive friends and family, and for that I am supremely grateful.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
They're Creeping Back
For a few days, I have been able to keep the negative thoughts away, ... and it has been good. I convinced myself, that everything would turn out fine, ... that whatever was growing inside me was very small, .. could be removed easily,... that by talking to them, I had at least shrunk the spots on my liver, ( I am a believer in this possibility). However, to-day, even though it is a gloriously sunshiny day with about a foot of sparkly, fresh snow on the ground, which usually fills me with joy, my stomach and chest have that anxiousness. I'm trying to think what started this again, ... but can't, unless it is the fact that I have an appointment in 2 days with the surgeon. I have been wanting Monday to hurry and get here and to know when the surgery, if that is what is next, will be.
I have 2 discs with all the information from the CAT-scans, X-rays, and MRI in the car ready to take with me on Monday. I didn't know technology had made this possible. I only had to go to my X-ray department at the hospital and they were ready in 10 minutes. This must be a time-saver for doctors for sure.
I will banish the nerves somehow to-day. Must get the muffins out of the oven.
I have 2 discs with all the information from the CAT-scans, X-rays, and MRI in the car ready to take with me on Monday. I didn't know technology had made this possible. I only had to go to my X-ray department at the hospital and they were ready in 10 minutes. This must be a time-saver for doctors for sure.
I will banish the nerves somehow to-day. Must get the muffins out of the oven.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Great Day
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
One of my favourite days, ... the birthday lunch. There are 12 of us, ... all old High School friends. We have breakfast together on the first Tuesday of the month, and lunch at the "Birthday Girl's" choice of place in the month of her birthday. This was Joy's day. It is always great to be together.
I enjoyed a very small lunch, that is all I eat anymore, ... afraid to eat too much and by now, my stomach has shrunk enough, that I don't want to eat. However, I have been in a better frame of mind to-day and slept very well last night, .. with no negative thoughts. On one of these tense days, I found myself sitting in the lazy-boy with my shoulders up around my ears with stress. I decided it was time for a relaxing massage with my good friend Freda. We talk a lot, and are on the same wave-length about many things spiritual, ... she is good for me. She recommended a book called, "As a Man Thinketh" by James Allen and I remembered that this was a book my dad had among his books. My dad was a wonderful man, ... but that is another story.
Tomorrow is another day, ... I plan to make it a positive one, ... send good thoughts to my liver, ... tell it to smarten up, ... get healthy, ... that I need it.
One of my favourite days, ... the birthday lunch. There are 12 of us, ... all old High School friends. We have breakfast together on the first Tuesday of the month, and lunch at the "Birthday Girl's" choice of place in the month of her birthday. This was Joy's day. It is always great to be together.
I enjoyed a very small lunch, that is all I eat anymore, ... afraid to eat too much and by now, my stomach has shrunk enough, that I don't want to eat. However, I have been in a better frame of mind to-day and slept very well last night, .. with no negative thoughts. On one of these tense days, I found myself sitting in the lazy-boy with my shoulders up around my ears with stress. I decided it was time for a relaxing massage with my good friend Freda. We talk a lot, and are on the same wave-length about many things spiritual, ... she is good for me. She recommended a book called, "As a Man Thinketh" by James Allen and I remembered that this was a book my dad had among his books. My dad was a wonderful man, ... but that is another story.
Tomorrow is another day, ... I plan to make it a positive one, ... send good thoughts to my liver, ... tell it to smarten up, ... get healthy, ... that I need it.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
beginnings
My journey began on November 1, 2009. I woke at 5:00 a.m. with pain in my upper abdomen radiating from one side to the other. For about 2 weeks prior to this, I had noticed that my stomach was becoming distended at a rate much more quickly than would be normal for the amount of food that I was eating. Knowing that warm water could relieve stomach pain, at about 7 a.m. I had a mug of lemon and honey in just that. Shortly thereafter, I lost the warm water and the pain stayed with me for the rest of the day. Later in the afternoon, my temperature began to rise, and I again was sick to my stomach. We , my husband Elvin and I, decided that it would be a good idea to have this checked out, and so we made a trip to the Emergency (now called a UCC) where I was looked after very quickly and it was determined that I had a bowel blockage. I was hooked up to an intravenous, given an X-ray that verified the blockage, and was admitted to hospital. I was given pain medication, medication to relieve the gas, and antibiotics On day 2 of my stay, I was taken to Greater Niagara General Hospital for a CAT-scan that verified the findings of the X-ray, ... a blockage in the area of the valve between the large and small bowel.
You are allowed 2 days in a hospital here in Fort Erie and so I was shipped to Welland by Patient Transfer to see a surgeon who was to give me a colonoscopy hopefully followed by surgery. This surgeon after a minimal examination declared that I had gastroenteritis, not a blockage and took me off all medication. I was having clear liquids to eat. When first in Emergency, there were no bowel sounds, in other words, nothing was moving. About day 2, bowel sounds finally began to be heard by stethoscope and this was the beginning of diarrhea that lasted for about 10 days. On the day I was to be discharged, the surgeon in Welland decided that perhaps another CAT-scan should be done, ... "just to make sure". What do you suppose they found, ... sure enough, a confirmation of the first CAT-scan. I was discharged on a Thursday being told that the surgeon was arranging for an MRI and would call me. There was no call until the following Wednesday, by which time I had seen my own doctor in Fort Erie who had attended me while I was in hospital there and asked him to arrange for a surgeon preferably in Hamilton, however, he made an appointment for me with a surgeon in St.Catharines for December 22, ... 1 month and 22 day from the beginning of the problem.
On December 26, Elvin had a small heartattack and spent 9 day in Niagara Falls Hospital, 4 of those days in Emergency on a gurney on a very thin mattress before finally being moved to another room, and then another room, and finally to Hamilton for an angiogram and to have a stent put in. This has been a very stressful 3 months for both of us.
The surgeon in St. Catharines set up an appointment for January 4 for a colonoscopy at St. Catharines General Hospital, ( note we have now covered 4 hospitals in the peninsula) and an MRI on January 5 at Niagara Falls Hospital, known hereafter as GNGH. The results of these tests I received on January 15 and on that day I began my journal with the title, MY JOURNEY. The results of the MRI, indicated the possibility that the mass behind my bowel could possibly be cancerous, and that I had lesions on my liver. I told the surgeon that I wanted the surgery done in Hamilton and would he please get in touch with someone there, which he did. This surgeon wants to do a liver scan, and apparently this cannot be done here in the Niagara Peninsula. I have an appointment now with a Dr. Marcaccio at McMaster Hospital on February 1. Tomorrow morning I am calling him to see if that appointment and the liver scan can please be done on the same day, and surgery, very, very soon.
I find writing out feelings is very cathartic, ... please bear with me and keep me company on my journey. What I have given you is background to where I am to-day.
You are allowed 2 days in a hospital here in Fort Erie and so I was shipped to Welland by Patient Transfer to see a surgeon who was to give me a colonoscopy hopefully followed by surgery. This surgeon after a minimal examination declared that I had gastroenteritis, not a blockage and took me off all medication. I was having clear liquids to eat. When first in Emergency, there were no bowel sounds, in other words, nothing was moving. About day 2, bowel sounds finally began to be heard by stethoscope and this was the beginning of diarrhea that lasted for about 10 days. On the day I was to be discharged, the surgeon in Welland decided that perhaps another CAT-scan should be done, ... "just to make sure". What do you suppose they found, ... sure enough, a confirmation of the first CAT-scan. I was discharged on a Thursday being told that the surgeon was arranging for an MRI and would call me. There was no call until the following Wednesday, by which time I had seen my own doctor in Fort Erie who had attended me while I was in hospital there and asked him to arrange for a surgeon preferably in Hamilton, however, he made an appointment for me with a surgeon in St.Catharines for December 22, ... 1 month and 22 day from the beginning of the problem.
On December 26, Elvin had a small heartattack and spent 9 day in Niagara Falls Hospital, 4 of those days in Emergency on a gurney on a very thin mattress before finally being moved to another room, and then another room, and finally to Hamilton for an angiogram and to have a stent put in. This has been a very stressful 3 months for both of us.
The surgeon in St. Catharines set up an appointment for January 4 for a colonoscopy at St. Catharines General Hospital, ( note we have now covered 4 hospitals in the peninsula) and an MRI on January 5 at Niagara Falls Hospital, known hereafter as GNGH. The results of these tests I received on January 15 and on that day I began my journal with the title, MY JOURNEY. The results of the MRI, indicated the possibility that the mass behind my bowel could possibly be cancerous, and that I had lesions on my liver. I told the surgeon that I wanted the surgery done in Hamilton and would he please get in touch with someone there, which he did. This surgeon wants to do a liver scan, and apparently this cannot be done here in the Niagara Peninsula. I have an appointment now with a Dr. Marcaccio at McMaster Hospital on February 1. Tomorrow morning I am calling him to see if that appointment and the liver scan can please be done on the same day, and surgery, very, very soon.
I find writing out feelings is very cathartic, ... please bear with me and keep me company on my journey. What I have given you is background to where I am to-day.
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