Things can change, ... suddenly. To-day is a different day. Up until to-day, I have been strong, ... I have been strong and thought I would be strong all through this, but to-day I have had a small crash.
Elvin woke this morning with what he called, not feeling well. At 8:10 I took his blood pressure which was way too high, .... he stayed in the lazy-boy, and I took his pressure periodically until half an hour later it was acceptable. However, since the heart attack and since yesterday when he could not complete 6 circles of the walking track at the arena as he has been able to do for awhile, and had to sit down twice, I thought it would be best to have him checked out at the Emergency.
I left him to get a coffee, and go home and take my medication, and call 3 of my children and a few friends, and lost it. I was counting on staying strong, for me and for everyone.
I returned to the hospital to give him his cell phone and a book and suddenly began to not feel well myself, so I am home and will put my feet up, ... but I have weakness in my arms and shoulders, and I know this is not good. I it is not good because I will be having surgery and at that time, I will need a strong heart and good blood pressure, ... and inner strength.
We are both stressed about the other, both concerned about the other, likely bringing on stress symptoms. Elvin knowing that we have 4 trips to Hamilton in the next 2 weeks, the final one for the surgery, certainly is a concern to him. His wife died of cancer, .... a girl friend died of cancer, and now what can he possibly think, ... we don't want to lose each other. I am still optimistic, but surprised and disappointed with myself to see how close to the edge I am.
My daughter-in-law will be with me for the surgery, and Elvin if he is OK, and I have friends who I know are there for me.
Elvin will be able to come home about 6:00 pm if all continues to go well, ... and I am confident it will, his vital signs are good, and another blood test isn't due for another 3 hours.
Just now, I really need to go and lie down myself, ... I know this spot of weakness will pass. This is another speed bump in the journey.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I Surprise Myself
This Journey is enlightening. I get insights into myself.
About 3 weeks ago, I looked up "Carcinoid Tumor" on the computer as this is what is living, attached to my upper bowel, inside of me. I was able to read about enough to tell me that it wasn't good, but wasn't bad either. I could not read, causes, symptoms, treatment, or anything else, ... I simply could not. This evening, I took another run at it with no shaky stomach, no fears. I was able to read that I may live 5 years, that there will be no chemo, and many interesting facts about this tumor. How on earth can I calmly think of what I read as "interesting facts", but they were.
While I was in High School, I was anxiously waiting until I could take Biology and Zoology. I wanted to be a veterinarian. Because I changed schools, I missed both of these courses, ... I know I would have passed both with flying colours. When a medical situation arises in my life, I want to know all the facts involved, ... I likely have too many questions for my doctor. I actually wish I could watch the surgery that will take place on the 9th of March. I am not afraid of what is ahead, and I will be even less likely to be afraid, the more I know about this tumor. What I read to-day I find fascinating. Many of these tumors in people are only found after they die, during an autopsy, ... they are very common.
I have 2 weeks to go and my biggest concern is that I don't catch a cold and have to have this surgery postponed.
About 3 weeks ago, I looked up "Carcinoid Tumor" on the computer as this is what is living, attached to my upper bowel, inside of me. I was able to read about enough to tell me that it wasn't good, but wasn't bad either. I could not read, causes, symptoms, treatment, or anything else, ... I simply could not. This evening, I took another run at it with no shaky stomach, no fears. I was able to read that I may live 5 years, that there will be no chemo, and many interesting facts about this tumor. How on earth can I calmly think of what I read as "interesting facts", but they were.
While I was in High School, I was anxiously waiting until I could take Biology and Zoology. I wanted to be a veterinarian. Because I changed schools, I missed both of these courses, ... I know I would have passed both with flying colours. When a medical situation arises in my life, I want to know all the facts involved, ... I likely have too many questions for my doctor. I actually wish I could watch the surgery that will take place on the 9th of March. I am not afraid of what is ahead, and I will be even less likely to be afraid, the more I know about this tumor. What I read to-day I find fascinating. Many of these tumors in people are only found after they die, during an autopsy, ... they are very common.
I have 2 weeks to go and my biggest concern is that I don't catch a cold and have to have this surgery postponed.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Date for Surgery
This my second attempt at this post, ... the first just didn't work, and this one will not be the same, ... my first attempt is usually the easiest.
The surgeon called to-day with the date for surgery, ... it will be March 9th or 10th, ... he is calling again on Monday with more details. This will also give me time to have a few questions ready that have come to mind since his call. One will be, what type of surgery will this be, ... open or laparoscopic, ... I would prefer the latter. Another question is how long should the recovery time be, ... the stay in the hospital.
The surgery will include a liver biopsy, and the removal of a section of upper bowel to which the carcinoid tumor is attached. My dearest wish is that this tumor is benign and that the liver biopsy shows no invasion of this tumor into the liver, if the tumor is cancerous. How does one stay calm with these thoughts trying to push to the forefront of my mind throughout the day.
The one thought that I have never given voice to, but that niggles at the back of my brain and heart is will I survive the surgery. It will not be like having a sliver removed and I am not a young woman. I do consider myself basically healthy, ... no diabetes, no high blood pressure, but I do have a small heart problem, and I do have sleep apnea.
This will be a longer journey than I ever anticipated. However, ... I have loving, caring supportive friends and family, and for that I am supremely grateful.
The surgeon called to-day with the date for surgery, ... it will be March 9th or 10th, ... he is calling again on Monday with more details. This will also give me time to have a few questions ready that have come to mind since his call. One will be, what type of surgery will this be, ... open or laparoscopic, ... I would prefer the latter. Another question is how long should the recovery time be, ... the stay in the hospital.
The surgery will include a liver biopsy, and the removal of a section of upper bowel to which the carcinoid tumor is attached. My dearest wish is that this tumor is benign and that the liver biopsy shows no invasion of this tumor into the liver, if the tumor is cancerous. How does one stay calm with these thoughts trying to push to the forefront of my mind throughout the day.
The one thought that I have never given voice to, but that niggles at the back of my brain and heart is will I survive the surgery. It will not be like having a sliver removed and I am not a young woman. I do consider myself basically healthy, ... no diabetes, no high blood pressure, but I do have a small heart problem, and I do have sleep apnea.
This will be a longer journey than I ever anticipated. However, ... I have loving, caring supportive friends and family, and for that I am supremely grateful.
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