QUESTIONS

Now, they are beginning to come, .... questions that I don't know where to go for the answers.

Through all of this, since the blockage was discovered in November, I have had a taste or smell in my mouth, or nose, that I can only describe as the taste or smell of wet newspaper. I hoped that after the surgery, this would go away, but that hasn't happened. I wonder if it is on my breath, ... if others can smell cancer in me. What is causing this, where is it coming from, will it ever go away, does it mean that the cancer is somewhere else?

One of the questions I was asked by each doctor that I saw since November was, "Are you having any flushing?", ... this is a symptom of the carcinoid tumor. My answer always was ... NO. However, recently, including this evening, I am having episodes of flushing, ... something like hot flashes, but more like warm flushes. Why am I having them now? Does this mean that the cancer is somewhere else? Will I always worry about every possible new symptom?

To-night I had a slight fever, ... does this go with cancer cells still being in my body? It could be the beginning of a cold, another bout of diverticulitis, ... but my first thought now will be, ... is the cancer growing somewhere else in my body?

My life has changed. The things I once was concerned about matter not at all compared to the place I now am. Even though following surgery, my surgeon said that all was well, ... is it really? I want to stay optimistic and I have been doing really well, ... but not to-night.

I want to feel like I did 20 years ago, ... invincible. Coming into the "Golden Years" is not fun, ... aches and pains, unsteady legs, changes in heart rhythms, medications, .... however, I would be happy with just that instead of the wondering I live with now, everyday. If there wasn't the bad taste, the flushing, unexplained fevers, ... I might be able to forget that the cells are still there and no matter how slow they are supposed to grow, they are still growing.

Maybe tomorrow will bring something good to occupy my mind, ... I must not become preoccupied with this thing, .... that only aids it in it's growth.