Elvin,... as usual, I am wanting to talk to you, share with you, ... to-night Liz's hurts. There is no one else it is fair to share these with.
I am missing you so very much. I am still so angry at the pain you went through and the unnecessay loss. This is another bad day, ... like there is no joy ahead. My life is on hold until this hip surgery is done, ... I look into the yard and there is no joy there. I haven't felt this way for a very long time. There is no joy anywhere, no purpose. I can't find a purpose until I feel well and I have no idea when that will be, ...or if it will ever be.
I want to hug you, and feel your arms around me, .. to pull me together. You should still be here. I love you.
I wish I could write happy, but it is not in there. I still have no closure, ... I need to scream at someone, ... tell them how angry I am that you are gone, that they are responsible, ... and they are. You were the very best that could happen to me, .. and the best is no more. Now there is nothing, ... just a huge emptiness. I am afraid of this awful nothingness I am dragging behind me every day, .. I need to be rid of it.
I LOVE YOU, ... I MISS YOU, ... I NEED YOU!!!!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Missing You
Elvin, .. I miss you. Things happen every day that I go to share with you and you aren't here.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
I had lots of things in mind to do to-day, but it has turned out to be a depressing day and I prefer to get into a book and out of my head. As I was in the book, sitting in the lazy-boy by the window, something caught my eye hopping on the cushions on the porch. Two wrens were scoping out spiders on the deck, ... haven't seen 2 together like that, and of course wanted you to see them, wanted to call you to come and have a look too, ... these are the hard times.
My trip to Laurie's was good and so many times I wished you were there to share sights that I know you would have gotten pleasure from, ... like sitting out behind their cabin with a female elk 20 feet away eating while I took pictures of her. You would not have enjoyed the 7 hour trip in the ice cold car, ... ankles cold, ... cold all over, but you would have loved Colorado and our trip up to 12,000 feet and seeing soooo many elk on the hill sides. My stay had been fine until we stopped for a coffee at a place like the native museum on the French River, and something brought you to me so strongly that tears came again, and on the way back down as well. I guess I was wishing you were there to share the sights, I know you would have loved it all.
Dave fished a lot in the river just across from the cottage for rainbow trout, and caught a few. One smaller one he cut the head off and I fried in butter and salt and pepper just for me as they only like theirs grilled. Mine was delicious, you would have loved it. Someone had a bite, but didn't want anymore.
Kansas was 104 and extremely humid, but Colorado was clear and cool and beautiful. It rained almost every afternoon there, but Laurie and I read and you likely would have too, and enjoyed it, ... you would have loved the fishing, however it was mostly fly fishing but the river was so shallow, you could see the trout.
The gardens are dry, I am trying to keep the bills down. Your beans were loaded and delicious and were enjoyed by many while I was gone. The tomatoes are coming and we have 2 huge cantaloupe and some squash as well. I think it's time to pull the beans, ... the onions didn't do much. I haven't checked the carrots.
David has come and cut the lawn, ... he has a job now getting the houses at Ridgeway by the Lake ready after they are finished, ... cleaning up caulking, cleaning windows etc. I went and got a plant of Russ's that he wanted put in a bigger pot, .. picked up more peanuts for the birds, ... I planned on filling the feeders, ... maybe later in the day.
I need to get back to that book, ... I miss you too much, ... love you and need you.
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