The intensity of my missing Elvin is lessening. It has been that I was unable to bring him to mind without reliving again, the 2 week hospital stay prior to his death, instantly and completely. Thinking about him and missing him still brings instant tears, but for not as long and not as thoroughly draining.
Yesterday, in the kitchen, he came to mind and I asked him if he could just give me some sign that he was nearby and knew my thoughts. My thoughts were those that many widows and widowers, I imagine, have. I was wishing I could live my time with him over again so that I could do things differently, say things with more patience, say less period. I wanted him to know how much I loved him, in case my actions and words were not strong enough when he was here. I wanted him to know that I appreciated all I learned from him about life as he saw it, his acceptance of things as they happened, his acceptance of people as they were.
This morning, I walked at the arena, went for breakfast, passed the LCBO planning on picking up a bottle of Merlot to enjoy as I watched The Bachelor this evening. It was closed of course as it is Family Day. So I came home, and I don't know why I opened the back door onto to porch, I didn't feed the birds or hadn't planned to shovel the snow that fell last night, but, the screen door was pulled across and blocked access to the porch. I had not closed it, I only do that in the Summer when I leave the big door open for fresh air. I knew I had not closed it and no one else would have either. I knew then that this was my sign, .. the one I had asked for. Elvin was telling me gently that he was nearby, and that he did know how I felt and would always be able to know what I was thinking and he cared.
I am grateful. I don't usually believe in these kind of things, but I will never again dismiss in my mind, stories I hear from others of similar happenings.
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