And the Journey Continues

When 2010 departed, I thought my journey had come to an end. I was feeling good and better every day. I was exercising consistently and earnestly, determined to be able to walk like a 30 year-old rather than like a lop-sided old woman. I exercised so whole-heartedly that I thought I had pulled a muscle up under my rib-cage and took a day or 2 off hoping that the muscle pull would ease off. However, on Thursday it was beginning to feel like pleurisy and so I took myself to the UCC only to find out after an X-ray and blood work that I have "something" going on with my gall bladder, ... Joy to the World, will it never end.

On Monday I have an ultra-sound, on Tuesday I see my "Family Doctor". I am grateful that the something that is going on didn't really take off over the weekend. and I hope it just sits still for another day.

Last year was a year of healing one thing after another, ... and it looks as though that is the program for awhile yet. I try to find the words to explain what life is like now, ... I guess I would say it is just a time of waiting, waiting to be whole again. To be whole physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel as though I am waiting and watching as life just goes by, ... no purpose to life other than to heal. When and if that happens, ... what then? I am not a patient person, I want change NOW!

Evenings are the very worst. I am not a fan of TV, ... anything I enjoy is over by 8 or 9 and there is really not that much I enjoy. It is all so nothing, unrelated to my life. Mornings are wonderful, ... this house is a warm and peaceful and beautiful place to be. The yard brings me a feeling of joy and peace, but, I am alone and generally am thinking of and working at making this hip fully functional. Is it worth it at this age when something else is bound to come along and have to be lived through, not enjoyed.

I sooooo miss Elvin and the laughing with him and enjoying so much. Days go by with no laughter and I need that. I need to make someone smile and I need to appreciate another person. I also need therapy, ... I am sitting here with tears running down my face, ... I cannot bring Elvin to mind without crying, I can't talk about him without the same reaction.

Getting through the struggle of the past year and the sameness of each day is not living it is enduring. This is not the time of life to wade through each day, but that is all there is. I can see how this would prepare a younger person for hardships ahead, but what is the point at my age, .. there isn't that much time left.

While you have a family, enjoy every minute. Be good to each other, don't sweat the small stuff. Believe me, life is short and goes by so very fast. Tell the person you are with that you love them, smile a lot, hug each other, hug your kids, make love a big item in your life, make someone's live worth living. My happiest time was making someone's life a delight, a happy surprise. Giving each of the kids a "Special Day" where we all wrote a note telling them what we liked best about them, and then read them at the table was a great idea. It was a fun time for everyone in the family. That was the very best time of life. Make someone's spirit grow while you have someone.