Day 3 of Four

My journey, ... as it is and as it happens, ... my journey. Some days up others down and to-day I am very tired, ... exhausted.

To-day was Pre-op day. My visit with the surgeon gave me information I wanted to know, but not exactly what I wanted to hear. I asked how long the surgery would be and he told me 4 hours and I think that was the beginning of feeling tired.

I have had just a few surgeries in my life, ... the first being a tonsillectomy at age 8 when the anesthetic was ether. I can remember being terrified and feeling as though I was suffocating. While under, I had a horrifying dream of being chased down a long dark tunnel by a clown, ... there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I remember screaming and being told of course not to as it could cause bleeding in my throat.

To say I am not looking forward to surgery is ridiculous, .... who does.

I was told to-day that I would be in hospital a week, and that is a good thing, ... I was afraid of being let out too soon as is the way in most hospitals to-day. The scan I had on day 2 showed no new cancer anywhere, and that is a good thing. The scan did show however, 2 new spots on the liver. I will be having an ultra-sound on the liver as part of the surgery and depending on what information that gives my doctor, the spots will be zapped, or, I will be having more surgery later to remove part of the liver.

There has been much information to deal with since this all began, and just now, I don't want to know anything else, ... I just want it over and done. That will be Day 4, and there will be no blogging until at least a week later, ... there are more places yet to go on this journey.

Better Day

It is amazing to me how little it takes to put me down, but also, how little it takes to lift me up.

I had a few things to do to-day so started the day with 2 Tylenol Arthritis as insurance against hip pain. We went to breakfast at Tammy's and as we were leaving, Patti our waitress gave me a hug and a kiss and wished me well on Wednesday, ... unexpected, but Oh so welcome and uplifting.

I watered Peggy's plants and then went to her neighbour Joy, a retired nurse to arrange for her to take over for me with the plant watering. We chatted and she too was very reassuring, ... we talked about the bad day yesterday and my concern as to which problem was causing the down feeling. She said both, and that it was best to listen to the body and when it says "Stop", ... then stop, rest, and tackle the chore again when you feel better. I left her place feeling good, and positive.

The Tylenol allowed me to get the things done that I wanted to with no pain and when I got home I was even able to rearrange a couple of things in the bedroom with Elvin's help, but we knew when to quit.

Called my friend Merilyn to arrange a few things for Millie and the stray, and as is her way, she has organized that our 12 breakfast friends will all be praying for me at 9 Wednesday morning, ... she says I am loved, and I know I am. We are a group who loves to be together, and our love for each other is only growing as we understand and care about the problems of this time of life.

I e-mailed June, one of this group, about an upcoming dinner in support of our local Health Care and she replied that she would be in church on Wednesday morning at 9 to light a candle for me, ... again, ... how fortunate I am.

If ever I have felt uplifted, it has been to-day, ... I have been given a wonderful insight into the power of love from my friends. My mandate is to do the same for others. I am blessed.

I will use all the good things to make a list in my mind when the bad times try to take over.

Not feeling well to-day, ... or yesterday afternoon.

Until I knew of the tumor attached to the bowel, ... when I had days like this, I blamed arthritis, ... my hips and lower back would hurt so much I was nauseous. Now, ... I don't know the reason, but my down times blame it on cancer, ... cancer in the liver.

To-day I again did a load of laundry and hung it out as it has been a beautiful day, then, I cut Elvin's hair. The standing was so painful, that I had to stop, lie down and then take a second run at the hair cut. I lay on the couch and slept and rested for the rest of the day, and I have that awful wet newspaper taste in my mouth again.

It is impossible to feel "up" to-day, and negative thoughts are right there, and I know I must stay positive, .... not to-day. I begin to project into the future, how I will feel, how long I have to live, ... not pleasant.

I wonder if it is just that the surgery is now so close, ... just 3 more days.

I can't even clean the house properly, ... one room defeats me and I am down for the day. This isn't my imagination, ... I don't want to feel this way, ... I want to have energy and stamina, ... I have to count on my body and it is letting me down.

It's strange, ... there are times when I feel good, ... can get through the whole day, and lately there are more when I can't.

Tomorrow is Sunday, .. breakfast out, ... check Peggy's plants. She is in Florida. Then a short trip to Buffalo for gas and a few groceries. It is supposed to be about 50 tomorrow and I would like to push myself to walk to the corner with my walking sticks.

We will see what tomorrow brings.

Good Morning Sunshine !!

It is 9 a .m. and it is a glorious beginning to the day, ... lots of sunshine and the weatherman says it will be here for the day, ... I already have laundry on the go because I want it hung outside. This is one of my greatest sources of joy, ... laundry on the line in the sun, with a breeze.

I have a list in red ink of things that have to be done before I go into hospital and have crossed off four already, ... only five to go. I've got enough cat food in for Millie in the house, and the stray on the porch, have to pick up some fresh litter,... looked after the bills and finances. The other things include cleaning the house, ... I ususally have someone who does this every other week, but she is in Florida, ... lucky girl. I want to leave the house clean and there are phone calls to be made and I have to make sure Elvin knows where things are in the freezer, ... and there will be other things come up that I haven't thought of yet. I also want to get a "lip rip-off" before going in, ... enough said.

We will be going to the arena shortly for Elvin's walk and that will be followed by some running around to pick up this and that, ... the kitty litter being one.

Millie and my friend Mer get along wonderfully, ... Mer loves cats. Mer will drop in to play with her, feed her, and empty her box, brush her, give her treats, and toss her her toys... and if I don't clean the house she would do that too, ... I will make sure she does not even get a chance. She even would feed the birds, however, Elvin will be here most of the time, and that will not be a problem.

Inexpicably, .. I feel very light-hearted to-day, ...I'm sure the sunshine and the prospect of hanging out laundry have something to do with that. I also, as I have said before, am so very grateful for the people I know and who I know love, and care about me, and are my friends. I am truly blessed.

Wish you all could feel as great as I do to-day, ... Have a super good one !!!

Day Two of Four

Another huge step closer to surgery.

The scan, in 3 parts, included a bone scan and I imagine the rest was to every other part of my body. Having only been thinking in terms of a liver scan, at first this was a bit disconcerting, .... however, as I had time to think about it, surely it is only good that the surgeon will know ahead of time, what is happening inside of me.

My next visit to Hamilton will be on Monday and then only one more day to get through until surgery on Wednesday.

Wish I had something humourous to add to-day, or light, funny, happy, whatever, ... but I am becoming more tense as the day approaches.

Many good things happen though as I hear from friends, and am able to vent with them and accept advice and encouragement. I know that this experience will change me. Knowing how much a card, a call or an e-mail means to me during all of this, I plan to reach out more when people in my life need hope or comfort.

Day One of Four

The countdown has begun, ... only 7 more days until surgery. I am, ... Oh so many things!! Holding on tight, too tight, happy to have things under way, coming apart at the least deviation from what I think I know, anxious for it all to be over and to know all there is to know.

This was the injection day that came with it's own little deviation. I was at Henderson Cancer Hospital this morning for an 11'o'clock appointment to have the injection in preparation for tomorrow's liver scan, ... or at least that is what I thought was to be scanned, as that is where the cancer was to have metastasized to. However, as the nurse was explaining what would happen tomorrow, she told me that if the cancer had spread to other places in my body, the injection would enable these places to light up.

Wonderful!! I hadn't heard or thought of this possibility, ... I thought we had just been concerned about the liver, ... but other places? Once again, ... this sent me down some. I guess I have been trying to ignore too much and it all, whatever it is, will have to be faced in large or small doses very, very soon.

I am beginning to feel scared and sad, ... and I think I must allow myself to feel this way, ... who wouldn't. It will pass, because I know there is strength in me. I can deal with what I know, ... so let's get on to the knowing.

Tomorrow is Day Two of Four, ... the Scan. It is a 2 hour event which will help the surgeon tremendously on Day Four, ... Let's get a good night's sleep Nancy.